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| A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything!" His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?" "No, I never found the head." |    |
Joke by caliban, in Sex and shit > Necrophilia - Tagged sex , dead , railway , pub , friend , positions , position , blow job , suck , head - Current Score: 1714 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead. | |
Joke by johnboy, in Jokes with no home > Drinking Jokes - Tagged wonder , worry , crap , dead - Current Score: 1375 - Added: 6 months, 7 days ago
| I went into Clinton cards today. I said to the woman behind the counter, "Do you sell bereavement cards?" She said, "Yes, sir." So I said, "Could I exchange one for this get well soon card I bought yesterday?" | |
Joke by pornstar, in Illness and mortality > Death - Tagged clinton cards , get well soon , bereivement , dead - Current Score: 951 - Added: 1 month, 25 days ago
| A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "What are you doing?!" yells the mother. "April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!" | |
Joke by We Are The Lemon, in Illness and mortality > Dead Babies - Tagged baby , dead , dead baby , april , fools , april fools , mother , mum , pregnant , birth , hospital , nurse - Current Score: 756 - Added: 1 year, 8 months ago
| What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono. | |
Joke by JossDude, in Celebrity and news events > The Beatles - Tagged beatles , yoko ono , dead , beatle , yellow - Current Score: 384 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| I just lost at Hangman Didn't know the place name _____ | | | 0 | /| | / |----------- BRI_GEN_ | |
Joke by niggers out, in Celebrity and news events > Bridgend - Tagged hangman , bridgend , teens , place , dead , teenagers - Current Score: 373 - Added: 5 months, 28 days ago
| A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven. "Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter. "Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies. "No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away." "Would you like a capuccino?" asks St Peter. "No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim. "Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him. "Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed." "Would you like a capuccino?" "No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now." "Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears. "Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God. The muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!" "Would you like a capuccino?" "Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I'll have a fucking capuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed." "Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God. | |
Joke by theblueoysterbar, in Religion and racism > Muslim - Tagged muslim , heaven , god , dead , suicide , cunts - Current Score: 297 - Added: 9 months ago
| This morning a suspected Pakistani bomber was shot 68 times in a raid on his Bradford home. When interviewed, Detective Chief Inspector Thomas, who led the investigation was asked "Why 68 bullets on 1 man?" He replied "Yes sorry about that, we ran out of ammo". | |
Joke by CUTTSY, in Religion and racism > Pakistani - Tagged pakistani , bomber , bradford , inspector , ammo , dead - Current Score: 273 - Added: 11 months ago
| I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". | |
Joke by cptnanabolic, in Illness and mortality > Death - Tagged dead , lol , 50 - Current Score: 272 - Added: 9 months ago
| Apparently, my grandad has been like a 'fish out of water' since moving into the old peoples home. In other words, he's dead. | |
Joke by BushTurkey, in Illness and mortality > Death - Tagged grandad , fish , dead - Current Score: 265 - Added: 5 months ago
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