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| My wife insisted I stopped wanking. "Why?" I asked. "It's perfectly natural." She hissed back; "The kids are trying to eat their dinner." |    |
Joke by justincider, in Sex and shit > Wanking - Tagged masterbation , wife , kids , dinner - Current Score: 257 - Added: 1 month ago
| During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the toilet?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go piss, bitch." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the lav. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word lav at the dinner table And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > 2 Girls 1 Cup - Tagged teacher , class , johnny , dinner , lady , table , manners - Current Score: 240 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| What is the first thing a battered wife does when she gets home from hospital? The dishes and dinner if she's got any sense. | |
Joke by caliban, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged misogyny , batter , battered , hit , punch , punched , hospital , dishes , dinner , cook , sense - Current Score: 186 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
| I was having dinner with my boss and his wife, and she asked me, "How many potatoes would you like?" "Oh, I'll just have one, please." She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite." "All right," I said, "I'll just have one then, you stupid bitch." | |
Joke by BruceWillis, in Jokes with no home > Boss - Tagged dinner , boss , wife , potatoes , polite - Current Score: 180 - Added: 5 months ago
| What was Michelle McManus' favourite musical instrument at school? The dinner bell. | |
Joke by drumchapelbhoy, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged fat , michelle mcmanus , school , dinner , music - Current Score: 176 - Added: 3 months, 30 days ago
| A Priest is fishing with his mate and catches something. "That's a huge fucker you've got there father," says the friend. "Watch your language around a man of God," replies the Priest. A little embarassed, the friend lies and tells the Priest that the species of fish is called a "fucker". The Priest takes home the fish and talks to the Bishop and explains about catching the "fucker". "I'll clean the fucker and we can have it for dinner tonight when the Pope comes round." So he cleans it and then shows it to the Cardinal, who says he'll cook the "fucker" for the Pope tonight. The Pope comes round for dinner and comments on the lovely fish and, eager to please, the Priest exclaims, "I caught the fucker!" The Bishop cries, "I cleaned the fucker!" And the Cardinal continues, "I cooked the fucker!" The Pope takes a moments thought, looks around the table at them and says, "You know, you cunts are alright." | |
Joke by savech1p, in Religion and racism > Pope - Tagged pope , cardinal , priest , bishop , fishing , dinner - Current Score: 109 - Added: 5 months, 26 days ago
| Wife comes home from doing the shopping one day and sees her husband sitting on the sofa with a hairdryer blowing on his cock. The wife asks, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replies, "Just heating up your dinner!" | |
Joke by blowfelt, in Sex and shit > 69 - Tagged hairdryer , heating , dinner - Current Score: 78 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "Uh-oh, I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says..................... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" | |
Joke by niggers out, in Illness and mortality > Monkey - Tagged poodle , monkey , leopard , woman , dinner - Current Score: 68 - Added: 7 months ago
| I was talking to my grandad about martial arts yesterday , and I asked him if he knew where the word 'Kung fu' came from. Grandad said, "my old school playground." So I asked, "how is that, then?" And grandad said, "during school dinner break, I once threw a brick at a Chinese lad and it hit him right on the back of the head and he turned and screamed, 'Wot Kung fu dat?'" | |
Joke by pornstar, in Religion and racism > Chinese - Tagged chink , chinese , kung fu , school , playground , brick , grandad , dinner , judge dredd - Current Score: 56 - Added: 3 months ago
| I had a candlelit dinner the other night. Everything was really undercooked. | |
Joke by spaceman, in Jokes with no home > Puns - Tagged pun , dinner , candlelit , cooked , undercooked - Current Score: 43 - Added: 5 months, 28 days ago
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