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| A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road, and says 'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!' |    |
Joke by Guest, in Jokes with no home > Chickens - Tagged chicken , duck , road - Current Score: 216 - Added: 1 year ago
| A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any fucking bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar, you irritating bastard bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" | |
Joke by kitkat456, in Religion and racism > ? - Tagged duck , bread , pub , bar , animal , nail - Current Score: 215 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers. "This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way." The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way." The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wankered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she's had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings lords cricket ground. When the phone is answered, he asks, "what's the latest?" And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!" | |
Joke by pornstar, in Jokes with no home > Baby - Tagged hospital , vodka , cricket , duck , twins , birth - Current Score: 143 - Added: 3 months ago
| A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot & dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor & asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck & it fell in this field & now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property & you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand & if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you & take everything you own." The old farmer smiled & said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times & then you kick me three times & so on back & forth until one gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest & decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor & walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin & dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will & remaining strength & very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled & said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck." | |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged lawyer , shooting , gun , duck , fuck , new zealand , old people , beating em up , fight - Current Score: 120 - Added: 6 months, 12 days ago
| What's got 100 balls and fucks ducks? A twelve bore shotgun | |
Joke by sick puppy, in Jokes with no home > Scatalogical - Tagged one liners , twelve bore , fucks , shotgun , duck - Current Score: 52 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| If the England Cricket team toured China, how many would go out for a duck? | |
Joke by pornstar, in Jokes with no home > Cricket - Tagged england , china , team , duck - Current Score: 40 - Added: 3 months ago
| Two cows are in a field. One says to the other "What do you reckon to that mad cow disease?" The other one says "It doesn't bother me - I'm a fucking duck!" | |
Joke by sick puppy, in Religion and racism > ? - Tagged mad cow , duck , cow - Current Score: 29 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| What have a duck, a pelican and the Inland Revenue got in common? They can all stick their bills up their arse! | |
Joke by Guest, in Jokes with no home > Money - Tagged duck , pelican , inland revenue , bills - Current Score: 23 - Added: 8 months ago
| A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead" he replied. "How can you be so sure?" she protested, "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£300!" she cried. "£300 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £40." "But with the Lab report and the Cat scan, It all adds up." | |
Joke by mickle, in Religion and racism > ? - Tagged vet , cat , dog , duck , woman , dead , coma - Current Score: 19 - Added: 1 year ago
| A nigger walks into a bar with a duck on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Hey, cool, where did you get that?" Duck says, "Africa, they are all over the fucking place." | |
Joke by ste.lba, in Sex and shit > Black Cock - Tagged nigger , africa , black , duck - Current Score: 18 - Added: 1 month ago
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