That saying "you are what you eat" is untrue. I am NOT a schoolgirls minge.

I find the saying 'you are what you eat' true. My ex-missus shops at Lidl, for instance, and she's cheap, easy and you don't really want people to know you've been there.

A head nun goes to a grocers shop and asks for 122 bananas. The grocer says, "if you're buying that many, its more economical to buy 144 in a box, I could give you a discount then." "Okay," replies the nun, "I suppose we could always eat the other 22."

Why does Sven refuse to eat humble pie? Because he just 8-1.

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, "What is that?" "They're smart pills," said the other boy. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter." So he ate them and said, "these taste like shit." "See," said the other boy, "you're getting smarter already."

Billy Connely What Pisses me off......... ONE People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? TWO People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. THREE When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuckin right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? FOUR When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? FIVE When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fuckin floor. SIX People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? SEVEN When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. EIGHT When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fuckin does!! What can you do that's longer? NINE When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead? TEN People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, ELEVEN When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate. TWELVE People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need. THIRTEEN McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser. FOURTEEN When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off FIFTEEN When people say 'can I borrow a piece of paper i'll pay you back' It's one god damn piece of paper you fucking retards i don't want it back

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

What's the difference between an apple and a baby? You don't ejaculate on an apple before you eat it.

More proof that Americans are obsessed with food! In our Acapulco holiday hotel, there was a sign stating: Breakfast 8 am - 11 am. Lunch 11 am - 3 pm. Coffee 3 pm - 6 pm. Dinner 6 pm - 11.30 pm. I overheard a fat American guy say to his XXL wife: "We should've chosen a different hotel, we'll never get to the beach or see any sights with this friggin schedule!"

More proof that Americans are obsessed with food! In our Acapulco holiday hotel, there was a sign stating: Breakfast 8 am - 11 am. Lunch 11 am - 3 pm. Coffee 3 pm - 6 pm. Dinner 6 pm - 11.30 pm. I overheard a fat American guy say to his XXL wife: "We should've chosen a different hotel, we'll never get to the beach or see any sights with this friggin schedule!"

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