Tag: egg - Sickipedia

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

Joke by redrobinson, in Jokes with no home > Drinking Jokes - Tagged drunk , chickens , egg , reincarnation - Current Score: 163 - Added: 11 months ago

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said.
"Very good," the teacher replied.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched'."

"That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."

Joke by McLOVIN, in Celebrity and news events > Moral - Tagged stories , war , egg , teacher , flying , assignment , father , kids , family , drinking , plane , gun - Current Score: 75 - Added: 11 months ago

What's the difference between an Emperor penguin and Gerry McCann?

An Emperor penguin doesn't leave his egg to spend three hours throwing cheap wine down his neck in a local bistro on the pretence he can still see the vague area the egg was left in.

Joke by eatmeat, in Celebrity and news events > Madeleine McCann - Tagged penguin , egg , parent , drink , bistro - Current Score: 56 - Added: 11 months ago

Two eggs got married. On the wedding night, Mr Egg is lying in bed, when out of the bathroom comes Mrs Egg. She says, "I've just slipped into something a bit more comfortable", she is wearing a see-through bra and panties.
Upon seeing this, Mr Egg says, "right, I'd better go and slip into something more comfy too."
When he comes out of the bathroom he is wearing a crash helmet. Mrs Egg says, "what the fuck are you waering a stupid crash helmet for?"
And Mr Egg says, "the last time I was this hard, some bastard hit me over the head with a fucking spoon."

Joke by pornstar, in Jokes with no home > Eggs - Tagged egg , mr , mrs , spoon , hard , crash helmet - Current Score: 51 - Added: 1 month ago

A bloke keeps chickens and one day an egg rolls out of the chicken run and onto his Pakistani neighbours garden.

The Pakistani guy picks it up and says, "this is my egg now."

The Chicken owner says, "I think you will find it's actually mine."

"No, it's on my land therefore it's mine," says the Pakistani guy.

"In England, when we have a dispute over something, we perform a little ritual," says the owner.

"What's that then?" asks the Pakistani.

"We take it in turns to kick each other in the bollocks and the first one to go down loses, and as it's my egg I get to go first."

"Okay, let's go for it."

The Pakistani braces himself whilst the English guy takes a long run and then gives him one almighty kick right in the gonads.

With tears in his eyes and his legs seriously shaking, the Pakistani guy manages to compose himself and in a very high pitched voice says, "okay, I didn't go down, it's my turn now."

The English guy replies, "fuck it - you can keep it."

Joke by ben dover, in Religion and racism > Pakistani - Tagged pakistani , chicken , egg , bollocks , ben dover - Current Score: 28 - Added: 2 months, 29 days ago

What are the worst things about being an egg?
You only get laid once,
you only get eaten once,
you only get hard once,
you come in a box with five other guys
and only your mother sits on your face.

Joke by spanner, in Sex and shit > Mummy Mummy - Tagged egg , pun - Current Score: 24 - Added: 11 months ago

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet.

Joke by marcusa458, in Jokes with no home > ? - Tagged egg , one liner , short jokes. - Current Score: 23 - Added: 2 months ago

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

...Neither.

No-one came until the rooster did.

Joke by oshii, in Jokes with no home > Chickens - Tagged chicken , rooster , egg , cum - Current Score: 21 - Added: 4 weeks ago

How many policemen does it take to smash an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

Joke by P45, in Jokes with no home > Police - Tagged police , egg - Current Score: 20 - Added: 1 year ago

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

Joke by jacko93, in Jokes with no home > Food - Tagged english , scot , testicles , egg , hen , argument - Current Score: 15 - Added: 9 months ago

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