Imagine being 85. A comfortable seat in very pleasant surroundings where you can sit surrounded by people your own age and mumbling nonsense all day. Imagine being attended by nice smiling people and genuinly thinking you are still important, whilst living very nicely at the expense of the taxpayer. Well, that's not for everyone of course. Some of us arn't fortunate enough to get a seat in the House of Lords.

God, I was so proud to see Britain's "special" athletes today. Their struggle against adversity is so inspirational. Even being there is incredible, let alone seeing them beat Andorra 2-0.

There is a massive tailback on the M6 and a lorry driver caught up in it asks a man, who happens to be walking along the line of traffic, "what the hell is going on?" The man replies, "haven't you heard? Terrorists have captured the bus carrying the Liverpool team and are threatening to torch the bus if their demands aren't met. So I've organized a whip-round." "How much is everyone giving?" askes the lorry driver. "About a gallon each," replies the man.

The number of gun related deaths in America, where guns are legal, is 2600% higher than England, where guns aren't legal. I can't help but think, the person in charge of legalising guns feels the same way about Americans as I do.

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys. "There's just one problem," she says. "Because they were all born at the same time, we got the tags mixed up and we don't know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies. Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definitely my baby," he says confidently. "Um, excuse me," says the West Indian, "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son." The Englishman pulls him aside and says, "I see where you're coming from, mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk."

Steve McClaren is going to the England Christmas party dressed as a pumpkin, he's hoping someone can turn him into a fucking coach!

The England football team are going to change the emblem on their shirts. The Three Lions will now become three tampons to celebrate their worst fucking period in history!

During one of the many skirmishes between France and England the French captured one of England's greatest generals, Gen. Joseph Stockton. While Stockton was being held prisoner, a French Officer asked him why the English wore such bright red coats into battle as it makes them much easier targets. Stockton replied that the reason the wear the coats of red was so if they were injured their men would not be able to see the general's blood and get disheartened that their leader had been gravely wounded. The French officer took this into consideration and believed it was a good idea. Ever since then, the French armed forces have worn dark brown pants.

Two policemen were horrified to find a number of the England football team playing football with a hedgehog yesterday. They were just about to phone the RSPCA when they realised the hedgehog was beating them four nil.

What's the difference between Lewis Hamilton and the England football team? Lewis Hamilton still has a McLaren...

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