I went into a pub the other day. There was an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, two Asians, an African man, and two Homosexuals. ... didn't stay long.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub. "I can't believe it." says the Englishman. "Me and the wife- we've been together 15 years and today I found out she's been having an affair with a builder." "How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask. "I found a box of tools under the bed." "Join the club." says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife's been having an affair with a milkman." "How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask. "I found a crate of milk under the bed." "You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I've just found out the wife was having an affair with a fokkin horse!" The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?" "I found a jockey hiding under the bed."

How does an Englishman get his apples down? He uses a Pole.

Englishman on holiday in Texas. He wanders into a local shitkickers bar and has a good few beers. After a while, he notices there's one of those mechanical bulls in the corner and he asks the barman if he can have a go. The barman not only says yes but grabs a mic and procedes to make a big show out of it. Englishman on a good ol' Texan bull, etc. The Englishman climbs on and the bull starts moving. "No one's ever made it past 5 minutes on their first try, Limey!" someone shouts. But the Englishman sails through the 5-minute mark. He blasts past 10 and 15 and even 20 minutes, still holding on just fine. The crowd is awestruck. He's fast approaching the World Record. The barman cranks the bull up to 11 and it goes fucking apeshit. But the plucky Englishman hangs on in there. Eventually, after 45 minutes, the bull breaks down and comes to a halt. The crowd are cheering and whooping as the barman grabs the hand of the sweating Englishman and shoves the mic in his face. "Holy Goddam shit boy! You done broke the World Record by a clear 15 minutes! How'd you do that?" The Englishman replies, "Easy. My wife's an epileptic. And if you can fuck her for 5 minutes, you can ride this bastard for an hour!"

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?" Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?" The Englishman says "In the car." Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys. "There's just one problem," she says. "Because they were all born at the same time, we got the tags mixed up and we don't know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies. Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definitely my baby," he says confidently. "Um, excuse me," says the West Indian, "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son." The Englishman pulls him aside and says, "I see where you're coming from, mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk."

An insect falls into a mug of beer Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away Indian : Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself Pakistani : Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.

Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis. The Iraq troop leader says.. "We're going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request" He says to the Welshman, "What's your last request?" The Welshman says .."I want a thousand Welshman singing 'Land of my Fathers" "OK, you've got it." "What about you?" he says to the Scotsman. "I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave" says the Scot. "you've got it" says the Iraqi. "What's your last request?" he says to the Irishman. "I want a thousand Irishman doing the riverdance" says Paddy. " It's yours" says the Iraqi" Turning to the Englishman, he says "and your last request?" The Englishman says.. "Fucking shoot me first".

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Irishman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Scotsman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." "Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"

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