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| How do you make a white guy laugh? Set a Paki's beard on fire. |    |
Joke by mamma mia, in Religion and racism > Pakistani - Tagged paki , beard , fire - Current Score: 371 - Added: 5 months, 26 days ago
| If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? | |
Joke by b3tard, in Celebrity and news events > 9/11 - Tagged steven wright in the afternoon , bbc radio 2 , guns , fire , 12 - Current Score: 354 - Added: 1 year ago
| One day a builder got home a little early, and found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage. He then secured the man's cock in a vice. The man shitting himself screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?" "Nope," replied the builder, "You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire." | |
Joke by Badvirus, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged builder , man , wife , garage , fire - Current Score: 159 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| A middle aged man and his wife live in a poor part of town and decide to rent out their second bedroom. They advertise and a beautiful young girl enquires about the room. The wife explains that because it is such an old terraced house there is no bath in the house so instead they use a big zinc bath in front of the fire in the living room. The young girl says, "It would be nice to have a bath in front of the open fire at night, but what about your husband?" The wife replies, "If you have a bath on a Monday or a Friday evening it will be fine because he always goes out to play darts from about 7 o'clock till after 11pm." "Okay!" the girl says. The next night is a Monday so the husband goes out and the wife brings in the zinc bath for the young lady and puts it in front of the fire. When the young lady undresses to get in the bath she notices the wife staring at her naked body. The wife thinks to herself that it's strange that the girl has no pubic hairs. Later that night when the wife goes to bed she tells her husband about the young lady having no pubic hair. "It must look very strange and unnatural, are you sure?" says the husband. The wife says, "I could leave the leave the curtains open just a little bit at the top so that you could peep through and see for your self next time she has a bath." So the following Friday they get the bath out and the husband goes out to his darts match. The young lady gets undressed and the wife asks, "Where's your pubes love?" The girl says "Pubes? I've never grown any." So the wife pulls her knickers down revealing a big bushy fanny with clock springs hanging out and says, "Here, this is what you should have!" Later that night in bed she is talking to her husband, who seems pissed off, and he says to his wife "She was lovely, but why on earth did you lift your skirt up and show your minge?" Th wife says "You must have seen me naked a thousand times, why are you bothered?" The bloke says- "I have, but the rest of the fucking darts team hadn't". | |
Joke by pornstar, in Sex and shit > Pubes - Tagged darts , team , pubes , girl , pub , zinc , bath , nickers , clock , springs , fire - Current Score: 150 - Added: 1 year ago
| My mother-in-law asked me "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the fireplace?" I replied "To keep the kids away from the fire" | |
Joke by BruceWillis, in Sex and shit > Mother In Law - Tagged fire , fireplace , kids , mother in law - Current Score: 149 - Added: 4 months ago
| A quick word of advice for all smoke alarm owners. When the instructions say you should test them regularly, don't do this by trying to catch them out with a series of small domestic fires. The insurance companies don't like that. | |
Joke by mrangry, in Jokes with no home > FIRE - Tagged smoke alarm , fire , test - Current Score: 132 - Added: 1 week ago
| A man was arrested in London, found pouring petrol on Muslims and setting fire to them. When the Police asked him what he was doing he said, "about 10 to the gallon". | |
Joke by Rexton, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged racist , london , londoner , petrol , muslim , muslim , fire , burn , burning , burned , police , gallon - Current Score: 118 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
| When did Pinocchio first realise he was made of wood? When he had a wank and his fuckin' hand caught fire. | |
Joke by pornstar, in Sex and shit > Wanking - Tagged wank , wood , fire , pinocchio - Current Score: 97 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| I went to my mate, Pete's house yesterday to find next door a burnt-out wreck. So I knocked the door to see if everything was alright. His wife answered the door. “He's dead,” she said in tears. “There was a fire at the neighbours, the whole family were trapped,” she continued. “He broke the door down, went upstairs and rescued the kids. Then, after he'd brought them to safety, he went back in for their mother,” she said, crying. "He managed to carry her out, slung over his shoulder. Then he went back for John, her husband,” she said, with tears steaming down her face. “He got half way up the stairs but the heat was too fierce. He tried to get through the flames but couldn't. By the time he had got out, his clothes were on fire. We managed to put out the flames but he was too badly burnt. He died in my arms on the front lawn,” she sobbed. “He was a hero.” “Bloody hell!” I exclaimed. “Too right he was a hero.” There was a few moments pause, then I said, “about Pete...” “Yes?” she answered. “Before he died,” I continued, “did he happen to mention anything about a lawnmower he'd borrowed...?” | |
Joke by staffer, in Jokes with no home > FIRE - Tagged fire , dead , lawnmower , hero - Current Score: 96 - Added: 3 weeks ago
| What's the worst thing about setting your cooker on fire? Telling her parents. | |
Joke by The Wolf, in Sex and shit > Domestic Violence - Tagged wife , cooker , fire , parents , woman - Current Score: 95 - Added: 7 months ago
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