Breaking News from Zimbabwe........... Robert Mugabe has won 7 individual Gold Medals at the Olympic Games.

A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts! "Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly." "Fix the fridge door ? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead ? I don't think so." "Fine !" she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door ? They're about to break." "Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!" So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed. "Hey, how'd this all get fixed ?" "Well" she says, "when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him a cake OR have sex with him." "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?", He asked. She replied: "HELLO!!!... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead ? I don't think so !!"

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?" Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some guy, ehh? Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them." "Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow."

What has getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking yourself out of your car got in common? A coat hanger will fix both of them.

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