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| I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? |    |
Joke by caliban, in Religion and racism > Ginger - Tagged ginger , harry potter , friends , kid , harry , potter , film , friend , ron - Current Score: 980 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
| A bloke goes to see a psychiatrist. He lies down on the couch and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I've got the most terrible problem, I just can't seem to make any friends." The doctor nods and starts to make some notes. The man continues, "so come on! What are you going to do to help me, you fuckin' fat, ugly bastard?" | |
Joke by munkybars, in Illness and mortality > Psychiatrist - Tagged bloke , psychiatrist , friends , fat , ugly - Current Score: 158 - Added: 3 months ago
| My friend recently died; he drowned. So, at his funeral, instead of a wreath, we put a life belt on the coffin. ...well, it's what he'd have wanted. | |
Joke by gartnavel, in Illness and mortality > Drowning - Tagged drown , drowing , death , dead , killed , funeral , friend , friends , coffin - Current Score: 111 - Added: 3 weeks ago
| A serious question, how many people on here have ever seen a Chinese funeral? I haven't and none of my friends or family have, so this leads me to believe that either they live forever or sometimes we just don't get what we order! | |
Joke by pornstar, in Religion and racism > Chinese - Tagged chinese , takeaway , funeral , friends , family , order - Current Score: 79 - Added: 3 months ago
| A man comes home early from work one day to find his best mate in bed with his wife. Overcome by anger, he stabs him to death. The wife, shaking her head, looks at him and says, "Keep that up and, pretty soon, you'll have no friends left!" | |
Joke by pd, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged sex , violence , stab , wife , friends - Current Score: 68 - Added: 3 months, 30 days ago
| Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic.So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener' 'I didn't bring it' says Roy. 'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'. Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts.' I KNEW IT! ...... I'M NOT FUCKING GOING.' | |
Joke by niggers out, in Illness and mortality > Friends - Tagged tortoise , friends , picnic , beer - Current Score: 64 - Added: 8 months ago
| After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Oh fuck, he's moving!'" | |
Joke by joecorby, in Illness and mortality > Dead - Tagged heaven , death , friends , alive , funerals - Current Score: 31 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| Friends are like condoms They are there when things get hard. | |
Joke by fatt, in Sex and shit > Condom - Tagged condoms , friends , hard - Current Score: 25 - Added: 4 months ago
| I was going to join the debating society, but my friends talked me out of it. | |
Joke by binso, in Jokes with no home > School - Tagged debating , society , binso , friends - Current Score: 25 - Added: 1 month ago
| It's amazing how some people have double standards. I was out with my friend last week and a bird shit on my head, and when it happens to me he's killing himself laughing. He finds it funny. Oh, but when the tables are turned...and I shit on a birds head, apparently it's "wrong" and we "can't be friends anymore". | |
Joke by donkeyjoker, in Jokes with no home > Stand Up - Tagged double standards , birds , shit , friends - Current Score: 19 - Added: 1 month ago
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