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| A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said "Fuck off, you won't bring it back." |    |
Joke by ht, in Illness and mortality > suicide - Tagged library , fuck off , suicide , tim , vine , tim vine , fuck , man - Current Score: 3656 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!" | |
Joke by ht, in Illness and mortality > Tourettes - Tagged disability , cunt , traffic , tourettes , warden , disabled , shouted , fuck , fuck off , parking , space - Current Score: 1127 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" | |
Joke by ht, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged sex , wife , fuck , golf - Current Score: 1105 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be 10 pence.' 'Ten pence?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak And a bottle of wine?' 'A pound,' the barman replied. 'A pound?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.' | |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Jokes with no home > Bar Jokes - Tagged fuck , cheap , wife - Current Score: 706 - Added: 8 months, 10 days ago
| Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?" | |
Joke by charlie1105, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged irish , twins , fuck , daughter - Current Score: 487 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| Who says men can't multi-task? I can fuck my girlfriend and think about her sister at the same time. | |
Joke by Spudgun, in Sex and shit > Girlfriend - Tagged fuck , multitask , sister - Current Score: 434 - Added: 4 days ago
| Three tough looking rats are sitting at a bar drinking. The first rat puts down his beer and turns to the others, saying, "You know how tough I am? Well, you know that rat poison they put down in the kitchen? I eat that stuff for breakfast lunch and dinner!" The second rat looks unimpressed and says, "That's nothing. You know those big fucking rat traps they got all over the place? Well, get this - I jump in and out of them for a bit exercise. That's how tough I am!" The third rat knocks back his whiskey, slams the glass down on the bar and heads for the door. "Where are you going?" asks the first rat. "I'm off home to shag the cat", replies the third rat. | |
Joke by mamma mia, in Religion and racism > ? - Tagged rats , fuck , cats , rat poison , sex , animals , mice - Current Score: 285 - Added: 3 months, 16 days ago
| I was raised a Catholic, and the most annoying thing about going to church was all the standing up, sitting down, and kneeling. I wish the priest could've just picked a position and fucked me! | |
Joke by AS, in Religion and racism > Priest - Tagged priest , sex , fuck , catholic , jimmy carr , religion - Current Score: 283 - Added: 11 months ago
| There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use: 10. What the fuck do you mean we're sinking? -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 9. What the fuck was that? -- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945 8. Where did all these fucking Indians come from? -- Custer, 1877 7. Any fucking idiot could understand that. -- Einstein, 1938 6. It does so fucking look like her! -- Picasso, 1926 5. How the fuck did you work that out? -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 4. You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling? -- Michelangelo, 1566 3. Scattered fucking showers, my arse! -- Noah, 4314 BC 2 Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out? -- Bill Clinton, 1999 1. Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fucking mad. -- Saddam Hussein, 2003 | |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Sex and shit > fuck - Tagged history , acceptable , fuck , clinton , hussein - Current Score: 253 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| My wife gave birth to a baby boy last week. I was pretty disappointed because I was hoping for a girl. I mean, I'm not really into gay stuff. | |
Joke by iyt69, in Sex and shit > Child Abuse - Tagged paedo dad , fuck , kids , baby , paedophile , sex , birth , shagging , gay - Current Score: 204 - Added: 3 months, 12 days ago
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