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| I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "you're next." They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals. |    |
Joke by Mrwolf, in Illness and mortality > Old people - Tagged aunt , wedding , funeral , death - Current Score: 516 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| Its been a bit quiet on the site today as many were present at the funeral of MAGGOT, Sickipedia's unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of MAGGOT's 'Knock, knock' jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence. | |
Joke by staffer, in Jokes with no home > Sickipedia - Tagged silence , jokes , maggot , vicar , unfunniest , funeral - Current Score: 201 - Added: 3 months ago
| How come "I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing, except if you say them at a funeral? -Demetri Martin | |
Joke by mrluxuryyacht, in Illness and mortality > Death - Tagged funeral , sorry , apology - Current Score: 195 - Added: 3 months, 18 days ago
| Top Tip: Mourners: Read the dress-code of funeral invitations very carefully. Sombre, while being only two letters away from Sombrero, is a world apart in tone. | |
Joke by Sticky, in Illness and mortality > Funeral - Tagged sombre , sombrero , viz , funeral - Current Score: 171 - Added: 5 days ago
| My gran died last week. The funeral director said, "bury her with something she liked." As the coffin lowered into the ground, all we could hear was grandad shouting for help. | |
Joke by ReigatePen, in Illness and mortality > Funeral - Tagged funeral , gran , grandad - Current Score: 143 - Added: 6 months, 20 days ago
| I like to tell dirty jokes at work to help make the time go by. One time we laughed so much we nearly dropped the coffin! | |
Joke by Aspen, in Illness and mortality > Funeral - Tagged funeral , coffin , jokes , dirty jokes - Current Score: 141 - Added: 1 month, 17 days ago
| My mate said to me today, "What would you like people to say at your funeral?" I said, "Preferably: 'Look at that! He's fucking coming back to life!'" | |
Joke by Aspen, in Illness and mortality > Funeral - Tagged funeral , death - Current Score: 120 - Added: 1 week ago
| I went to a funeral last week, but I'm never going there again. The music started playing, and me and my mate were the only ones dancing. | |
Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Illness and mortality > Funeral - Tagged dancing , funeral , mate - Current Score: 117 - Added: 2 months, 15 days ago
| Frank lampard has asked Didier Drogba not to attend his mums funeral. In case he dives in the box. | |
Joke by GIZZARD, in Celebrity and news events > drogba - Tagged drogba , chelsea , lampard , funeral - Current Score: 114 - Added: 5 months, 18 days ago
| A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads" | |
Joke by sick puppy, in Illness and mortality > Dead - Tagged funeral , suit , switch - Current Score: 109 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
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