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| A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" |    |
Joke by ht, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged sex , wife , fuck , golf - Current Score: 1279 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
| Linford Christie's a bit bored one day, so he decides to take up golf. He goes down to the local course, walks in and says, "Hi, I'd like to join your golf club" The receptionist calls the club captain, who comes to meet the former Olympic sprinter at reception. "Hi," says Linford "I'd like to join your golf club" "I'm terribly sorry" says the club captain "but we don't let black people join our club, if you turn left out of the gates, there's a public course about 15 minutes up the road and they'll let you play there" "I don't think you understand" says Linford "I'm Linford Christie" "Oh I see, I'm terribly sorry" says the Captain " In that case the public course is five minutes up the road!" | |
Joke by Sticky, in Celebrity and news events > Linford Christie - Tagged golf , sticky sucks willies - Current Score: 175 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
| I wonder why they don't do golf at the Paralymics. I'm sure they would all have an excellent handicap. | |
Joke by smiddy, in Illness and mortality > Handicap - Tagged golf , paralymics , monng , handicap - Current Score: 123 - Added: 2 months, 15 days ago
| An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary , woman! You've no knickers--why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Hoot, mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afford any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit. " | |
Joke by niggers out, in Sex and shit > Knickers - Tagged knickers , golf , upskirt , pussy - Current Score: 101 - Added: 5 months, 19 days ago
| Hockey, a sport for white men. Basketball, a sport for black men. Golf, a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. | |
Joke by staffer, in Jokes with no home > Golf - Tagged hockey , basketball , golf , white , black - Current Score: 98 - Added: 2 months ago
| A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Religion and racism > Nuns - Tagged sister , christ , mother superior , golf , lord , ball , putt , cursed , green , god - Current Score: 90 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| A guy goes to Moscow on business, the first night he picks up a hooker in the Hotel Bar and takes her back to his room. Being a hooker he's not expecting much, but as they're going at it she starts moaning, he starts pumping for all he's worth and she starts squealing. he's really getting into it now, banging like the proverbial shithouse door and she starts screaming. Afterwards, she's shattered, she drags herself to her feet, takes the money and says "Mushka, Mushka". "She must have loved that and is telling me well done" the guys thinks. Next day he meets his business contact, and they go off for a round of golf, the Russian tees off first, he hits a screamer right down the middle of the fairway, 300 yards, a perfect shot. Keen to impress, the tourist wants to use the little Russian he knows, so he says "Mushka, Mushka". The Russian looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?" | |
Joke by Sticky, in Sex and shit > Prostitution - Tagged russian , hooker , golf - Current Score: 81 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." | |
Joke by mickle, in Illness and mortality > Doctor - Tagged golf , funeral , married - Current Score: 77 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| Father Norton woke up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decided that it was too good to waste indoors; he simply had to play golf. Pretending to be unwell, he convinced the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, before heading out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he wouldn't run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he looked around and saw that he had the entire course to himself. Everyone else was in church! Watching this from the heavens, Saint Peter leant over to the Lord and asked, "Are you going to let him get away with this?" Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it headed straight for the pin, dropped just short, before rolling up and falling into the hole - a 420 yard hole in one! Astonished, St. Peter looked to the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?!" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" | |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > Christianity - Tagged god , priest , golf , saint peter - Current Score: 71 - Added: 9 months, 24 days ago
| One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. | |
Joke by ht, in Sex and shit > bondage - Tagged bondage , golf - Current Score: 70 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
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