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| Bloke goes into a gun shop, and asks for a gun, the gunsmith asks, "What's it for mate?" and the bloke says, "Oh, its just for shooting some cans in my garden". The gunsmith says, "Ok, you can have a small rifle for just shooting cans", the next day the bloke returns to the shop and asks for a machine gun, the gunsmith says, "Bloody hell, what sort of cans are you shooting at?" and the bloke says, "Oh, Americans, Africans, Jamaicans and Mexicans" |    |
Joke by pornstar, in Religion and racism > All Racism - Tagged gun , gunsmith , mexicans - Current Score: 741 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? Bit of both, this is a rape. | |
Joke by rob, in Sex and shit > Rape - Tagged rape , gun , sex , pocket - Current Score: 689 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." | |
Joke by niggers out, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged cowboy , texas , walk , gun , beer , cowboys - Current Score: 203 - Added: 6 months ago
| Why waste money on flowers trying to increase your odds of getting a shag, when you can just buy a gun and guarantee it? | |
Joke by albinobob123, in Sex and shit > Rape - Tagged rape , shag , sex , flowers , gun - Current Score: 201 - Added: 1 month ago
| A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot & dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor & asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck & it fell in this field & now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property & you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand & if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you & take everything you own." The old farmer smiled & said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times & then you kick me three times & so on back & forth until one gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest & decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor & walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin & dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will & remaining strength & very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled & said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck." | |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged lawyer , shooting , gun , duck , fuck , new zealand , old people , beating em up , fight - Current Score: 114 - Added: 4 months, 29 days ago
| I like to go down to the school playground and watch all the children jump up and down and run around, yelling and screaming... Of course, they don't know I'm using blanks... [Emo Philips] | |
Joke by black arrow, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged children , gun , emo philips - Current Score: 97 - Added: 1 month ago
| Remember when? There was no gun or knife crime. You could let your kids play outside with no fear. There were no hoodies or street scum who terrorised the neighbourhood. Old folk could collect their penisions without being mugged. And little girls would get into your car for a bag of sweets or the promise of seeing some puppies. | |
Joke by justincider, in Sex and shit > Paedophilia - Tagged remember , gun , knife , crime , girl , old people , hoodies - Current Score: 96 - Added: 2 weeks ago
| Two goldfish are in a tank One turns to the other and says: You drive, I'll man the guns | |
Joke by Hatters_LTFC, in Jokes with no home > Fish - Tagged goldfish , tank , fish , gun , drive - Current Score: 90 - Added: 3 months ago
| A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!", Ashley said. "Very good," the teacher replied. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'." "That was a fine story, Sarah," said the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay the fuck away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking." | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Celebrity and news events > Moral - Tagged stories , war , egg , teacher , flying , assignment , father , kids , family , drinking , plane , gun - Current Score: 83 - Added: 1 year ago
| In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink,and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, Got anymore tips for me?" Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got anymore tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much" | |
Joke by niggers out, in Illness and mortality > Cowboy - Tagged cowboy , gun , knife , ass - Current Score: 71 - Added: 5 months ago
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