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| You know you're Taliban if... You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. You have more wives than teeth. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.' You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.' You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat. |    |
Joke by mickle, in Religion and racism > Taliban - Tagged heroin , guns , cunts , explosives , bombs - Current Score: 403 - Added: 5 months ago
| If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of ours do, to our amazement, and amusement. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? | |
Joke by b3tard, in Celebrity and news events > 9/11 - Tagged steven wright in the afternoon , bbc radio 2 , guns , fire , 12 - Current Score: 339 - Added: 11 months ago
| The number of gun related deaths in America, where guns are legal, is 2600% higher than England, where guns aren't legal. I can't help but think, the person in charge of legalising guns feels the same way about Americans as I do. | |
Joke by albinobob123, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged america , deaths , guns , england , statistics - Current Score: 166 - Added: 3 months ago
| I missed a Jehovah's Witness at the front door this morning, which was a odd as I thought I had a clear shot | |
Joke by whogivesashit, in Religion and racism > Jehovahs Witness - Tagged religion , guns , jehovahs witness , shoot , door , odd - Current Score: 131 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!" General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout troop visiting his military headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? | |
Joke by ht, in Jokes with no home > Real Quotes - Tagged cosgrove , prostitute , australians , scouts , guns - Current Score: 122 - Added: 7 months ago
| French rifle for sale. Good condition. Never fired in anger. Dropped only once. | |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > French - Tagged cowards , french , guns , dropped - Current Score: 110 - Added: 11 months ago
| Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it. | |
Joke by Guest, in Sex and shit > Sexist - Tagged women , guns - Current Score: 85 - Added: 6 months, 9 days ago
| My wife said to me today "Did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns? "Yes", I replied, "but a gun is easier to conceal." | |
Joke by doubletee, in Jokes with no home > Gun Crime - Tagged wife , guns , hippo , hippoptamus , kill , lloyd langford - Current Score: 52 - Added: 1 month, 16 days ago
| I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day - as a human cannonball. She went ballistic! | |
Joke by kenny, in Jokes with no home > Wife - Tagged wife , job , circus , guns - Current Score: 21 - Added: 1 month, 20 days ago
| Why Guns are better than Women: 12. Your gun never complains about the length of your trigger finger. 11. Your gun's double-barrel will always stay firm. 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And the number one reason a gun is favoured over a woman.... Drum roll, please! 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN. | |
Joke by pdf1, in Sex and shit > Sexist - Tagged women , guns - Current Score: 19 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
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