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| A muslim dies and finds himself infront of St Peter at the gates of heaven. "Hey, what's going on here, where am i?", he asks St Peter. "Welcome to the afterlife", St Peter replies. "No, no this isn't right. i want to speak to the prophet mohammed, right away". "Would you like a capuccino?" asks St Peter. "No! i want to speak to the prophet mohammed", replies the muslim. "Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want", says St Peter, and goes off to find him "Jesus, i don't understand what's going on here", the muslim says, "i want to speak to the prophet mohammed". "Would you like a capuccino?". "No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now" "Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus. This appears acceptable to the muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears. "Yes, what seems to be the problem here", booms God. The muslim is very worked up by now, "Look, i don't get what's happened here, i want to talk to the prophet mohammed!" "Would you like a capuccino?". "Ok, ok," says the muslim, "i'll have a fucking capuccino, now will someone please let me speak to the prophet mohammed" "Two cappuccinos, mohammed", says God |    |
Joke by theblueoysterbar, in Religion and racism > Muslim - Tagged muslim , heaven , god , dead , suicide , cunts - Current Score: 282 - Added: 7 months ago
| Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven ? Because if they all went, it would be hell. | |
Joke by mamma mia, in Sex and shit > Women - Tagged women , hell , heaven - Current Score: 265 - Added: 2 weeks ago
| A bus full of Nuns is along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and crashes down into a ravine where it explodes, all of the Nuns are incinerated instantly. The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns entrance to Heaven (kinda like a VIP entrance to a rock concert but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water. Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?" The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..." Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven. He asks the second Nun the same thing who replies "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven. Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated. Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter sister?" the Nun replies "Nothing's wrong I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it" | |
Joke by D dude, in Religion and racism > Nuns - Tagged sex , nun , nuns , anal , heaven - Current Score: 173 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| Barack Obama finds himself standing at the Pearly Gates. Angel: STOP!! You may not enter until you name one good deed you have done on earth. Obama: Well....I was the first black president of the United States of America. Angel: REALLY!?!?! When did this happen? Obama: About 12 seconds ago. | |
Joke by racetraitor, in Religion and racism > Blacks - Tagged barack , obama , heaven - Current Score: 160 - Added: 2 months ago
| Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" im gay and i like god to give me one The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." | |
Joke by NUFC, in Illness and mortality > Dead - Tagged death , heaven , cheating , husband , wife - Current Score: 129 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| Two women meet in the afterlife. Following is the conversation they had. 1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ... we'd both still be alive. | |
Joke by tanz_kid, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged attic , cheating , freezing , husband , wife , alive , heaven , death , kill , jahi - Current Score: 111 - Added: 2 months, 27 days ago
| Hilary Clinton and two other women died and made they're way to heaven. At the gate there was a man who asked whether they wanted to know how many times their husbands have cheated on them. The man explained that all they had to do is go into a room and look up at the clock. If the husband has not cheated, the clock will be set at 12 o'clock. However, each hour passed 12 will indicate the number of times he has slept with another woman. The first woman went in, and came out saying "it stayed at 12! wow he was a great man.." and walked passed the gates and into heaven. When the second woman went in, she came out slightly disappointed as she found the clock set at 3 o'clock. Finally, Hilary Clinton went in and came out saying, "I couldnt find the clock!... it wasn't anywhere in the room" The man at the gate replied, "Sorry ma'm, its currently in god's office being used as a fan!" | |
Joke by nahgut, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged bill clinton , cheater , heaven - Current Score: 94 - Added: 11 months ago
| While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown. "I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there .. Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, Gord!" "Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!" The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity." With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!" | |
Joke by mickle, in Illness and mortality > Dying - Tagged gordon brown , prime minister , death , heaven , hell - Current Score: 86 - Added: 3 months ago
| An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says , "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue." Satan laughs says, "Yeah, right. And just where the fuck are you going to get a lawyer?" | |
Joke by sorprendor, in Religion and racism > Hell - Tagged god , satan , hell , heaven , lawyer - Current Score: 85 - Added: 3 months, 28 days ago
| Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're playing Tuesday." | |
Joke by niggers out, in Illness and mortality > Football - Tagged football , heaven , death , ghost , flash - Current Score: 83 - Added: 4 months ago
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