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| Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven ? Because if they all went, it would be hell. |    |
Joke by mamma mia, in Sex and shit > Women - Tagged women , hell , heaven - Current Score: 347 - Added: 1 month ago
| What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why. | |
Joke by S011, in Sex and shit > Women - Tagged god , woman , hell - Current Score: 266 - Added: 2 months ago
| You know, if this Islam bollocks turns out to be true, everyone who takes the piss out of Muslims will be sent to hell by Allah. Ah well. At least there won't be any Pakis down there. | |
Joke by bleary, in Religion and racism > Muslim - Tagged hell , islam , pakis , divine judgement - Current Score: 158 - Added: 3 days ago
| An Illinois man left the cold streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here. | |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged heavan , hell , death , e mail - Current Score: 116 - Added: 9 months ago
| While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Golden Gate. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the man. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven," he says. So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell and the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "When I was here previously, there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "When you were last here, we were campaigning...... Today you have voted." | |
Joke by templett, in Jokes with no home > Elections - Tagged senator , heaven , hell , testing , voting , elections - Current Score: 111 - Added: 7 months ago
| Christianity: the belief that a 2,000-year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate. | |
Joke by bleary, in Religion and racism > Christianity - Tagged jesus , zombie , god , heaven , hell , mastrubation , stephen colbert - Current Score: 106 - Added: 5 days ago
| I recently bought one of those bracelets that has the words "What would Jesus do?" engraved upon it. Every time I faced a difficult decision, I would look at my bracelet and ask myself "What would Jesus do?" A few days later, I saw a gang of Pakis loitering near a bus stop shouting out passages from the Qur'an. I couldn't take it anymore and was about to knock the shit out of all of them when I remembered the bracelet. I thought to myself, "What would Jesus do?" So I set them all on fire and threw them in hell. | |
Joke by mamma mia, in Religion and racism > Pakis - Tagged jesus , what would jesus do , bracelet , pakis , quran , hell , smelly bastards - Current Score: 98 - Added: 2 weeks ago
| An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his file and says, "Ah, you're an engineer you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says , "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue." Satan laughs says, "Yeah, right. And just where the fuck are you going to get a lawyer?" | |
Joke by sorprendor, in Religion and racism > Hell - Tagged god , satan , hell , heaven , lawyer - Current Score: 88 - Added: 4 months, 24 days ago
| A young devoutly religous girl comes home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "David proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asks. "Because he also told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell." Her mother replies, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is." | |
Joke by Mrwolf, in Sex and shit > Women - Tagged women , marriage , hell , sexism , mother - Current Score: 35 - Added: 1 year ago
| Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here." | |
Joke by EnglishWhiteBoy, in Sex and shit > Sexist - Tagged jesus , god , women , men , sexist , heaven , hell , englishwhiteboy - Current Score: 23 - Added: 9 months ago
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