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| A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "What are you doing?!" yells the mother. "April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!" |    |
Joke by We Are The Lemon, in Illness and mortality > Dead Babies - Tagged baby , dead , dead baby , april , fools , april fools , mother , mum , pregnant , birth , hospital , nurse - Current Score: 756 - Added: 1 year, 8 months ago
| When I was a kid I was very ill in hospital and Gary Glitter came to visit me. I was touched. | |
Joke by ReigatePen, in Celebrity and news events > Gary Glitter - Tagged gary glitter , paedophile , children , hospital - Current Score: 212 - Added: 1 week ago
| One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law." | |
Joke by Fishyninja, in Sex and shit > General - Tagged peanuts , fingering , girl , sex , choking , hospital , daughter , date - Current Score: 211 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on his privates?" "Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow. "Two...once in a while I like to play with my money. "Three...I like how money feels in my hand. "And, lastly...instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow Fifty quid anytime you want." Larry is recovering nicely in the hospital... | |
Joke by ht, in Sex and shit > Penis - Tagged fity quid note , penis , tattoo , hospital - Current Score: 189 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| News reports today tell that British hospitals are "plagued by vermin and pests". Well, if we didn't give them asylum in the first place... | |
Joke by tgs, in Celebrity and news events > NHS - Tagged nhs , hospital , vermin , pest , asylum seekers - Current Score: 155 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times: When i got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat. Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, why don't you just fuck off." | |
Joke by Hercules Poirot, in Illness and mortality > Dying - Tagged hospital , coma , bad luck , women - Current Score: 135 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers. "This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way." The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way." The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally wankered. He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she's had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings lords cricket ground. When the phone is answered, he asks, "what's the latest?" And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!" | |
Joke by pornstar, in Jokes with no home > Baby - Tagged hospital , vodka , cricket , duck , twins , birth - Current Score: 127 - Added: 2 months ago
| An old woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus. | |
Joke by appy2be, in Illness and mortality > Old people - Tagged old woman , hospital , bus - Current Score: 125 - Added: 5 months, 7 days ago
| I got a call at work today from the hospital. They said my wife had been admitted and she may have to be kept in overnight. I was very worried; who would cook the dinner? | |
Joke by albinobob123, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged wife , hospital , cooking , albinobob - Current Score: 122 - Added: 2 months, 17 days ago
| A young married couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband quickly covered her with his jacked, threw his clothes carried her to the car and raced to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached and suggested that the husband tried to entice it out by putting honey on the tip of his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The husband agreed but was so nervous that he couldn't rise to the occasion. Then the doctor said, "If neither of you object I could give it a try." Under the circumstances both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, dipped his penis in honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor began thrusting forcefully and showed no signs of pulling out. "Hey! What's going on?" demanded the husband eventually. "Change of plan," gasped the doctor. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!" | |
Joke by Guest, in Sex and shit > General - Tagged bee , flu , doctor , hospital , shagging , wife - Current Score: 119 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
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