I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. That may be, but I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves...

My grandad was given 24 hours to live, so he drank a bottle of vodka and ate three packets of fireworks. It didn't save his life, but it gave us one hell of a show at the cremation.

I went to the doctor and said, "My shit looks like liquorice." He said, "You're gonna die in five minutes." I said, "Why? What disease have I got?" He said, "All sorts."

The old woman who lives next door to me is 111 today.....sorry, i mean she's ill

My daughter woke up being sick, and when I asked her if she'd eaten something nasty she said "No! The fairy did it!" I said "Now I know you're lying, because there's no such thing as fairies" and I washed her mouth out with soap to teach her a lesson. Well actually we didn't have soap, so I used washing up liquid again.

When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa's back when he was ill. He went down hill fast after that

I went to the doctor's the other day & he said "I can't find a cause for your illness though quite frankly I think it's the drinking." "Ok" I said, "I'll come back when you're sober."

Why does Gordon Brown look so ill and stressed at the moment? Well if you'd been in Labour for 25 years, don't you think you'd feel the same?

One day while at his best mate house, Norris decides that he desperately needed a shag. 'Jim, I know I can ask you this because we are such good mates and all. I need a shag, can I shag your wife please?', said Norris. Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says, 'Because we are such good friends, Norris, yes you can. But be warned, do NOT go down on her. Understand?'. Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jim's wife is tucked up in bed. He quickly went to work, but he was over come with an incredible sudden urge to go down on her. But he remembered what Jim had said and restrained himself. After finishing he went downstairs and watched a little more TV. An hour or so later, Norris said. 'Jim? Can I shag her again please?'. To which Jim replied 'OK, but remember, don't go down on her!!!'. Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on Jims wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD to go down on her, he couldn't help himself. Meanwhile, Jim sat happily watching the TV heard Norris being sick upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill. 'What's wrong Norris?' 'I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldn't help myself.....' 'You went down on her didnt you Norris!!!!' said Jim looking horrified. 'I got a mouth full of rice!!!' said Norris disgusted! 'That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!'

I knew this guy right and he had been feeling sick for quite sometime now I had been telling him to go see a doctor and because his situation was getting so bad he decided to go see a doctor so off we went. He went into the doctors room sat down and was told that he had some sort of rare intestinal virus. He was subscribed with suppositries and told to take two a day. The doctor said he would give him the first one. Once we got back to his house I had a few beers and left then it was time for his next one so he asked his wife if she could do it. So she put her hand on his shoulder and thrusted the supositry into his ass. He screamed and his wife said "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" He said "No - I just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!"

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