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| I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week. I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance. |    |
Joke by staffer, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged entrance , robbed , frank carson , exit , escape , robbery , irish , ireland - Current Score: 249 - Added: 1 month, 12 days ago
| An Irish family have frozen to death outside a theatre in Dublin. They had been queuing for three weeks to see Closed For The Winter. | |
Joke by DDJ, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged irish , theatre , dublin , ireland , stupid , dead - Current Score: 211 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| NEWSFLASH! The Irish government have announced that, as of next week, all cars in Ireland will now drive on the right hand side of the road. If this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later. | |
Joke by garrygwizz, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged 2008 , irish , ireland , government - Current Score: 125 - Added: 6 months, 23 days ago
| Ireland Declares War on France Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners." | |
Joke by niggers out, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged ireland , war , france , chirac , guinness , jesus , mary , paddy - Current Score: 99 - Added: 9 months, 13 days ago
| This bloke is flying his hot air balloon over southern Ireland and he is completely lost. He looks down and sees a bloke fishing on a lake, so he shouts down, "hello, could you please tell me where I am?" And Paddy shouts up, "you can't fool me, mister, you're in that fuckin' basket." | |
Joke by pornstar, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged paddy , hot , air , ballon , ireland , basket - Current Score: 76 - Added: 5 months, 20 days ago
| Eminem's tour of Ireland is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze. Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Irish for himself." | |
Joke by sgs, in Celebrity and news events > eminem - Tagged eminem , ireland - Current Score: 62 - Added: 6 months, 5 days ago
| One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. 'Goodness,' says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, 'Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.' The man says 'I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,' and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says 'Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.' Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, 'I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?' The golfer says, 'It's great! I hit under par every time.' 'I did that for you,' responds the leprechaun, 'And might I ask how your money is holding out?' 'Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill' he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, 'I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?' Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, 'Well, maybe once or twice a week.' Floored the leprechaun stammers, 'Once or twice a week?' The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, 'Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.' | |
Joke by niggers out, in Religion and racism > Priest - Tagged leprechaun , priest , golf , sex , ireland - Current Score: 59 - Added: 7 months, 22 days ago
| A man is sitting in a pub in Ireland suddenly he feels a gun being pointed at his back. "Catholic or Protestant?" asks the voice. "Jew," replies the man, calmly. "Cor," replies the man with the gun, "I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!" | |
Joke by doubletee, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged ireland , gun , arab , catholic , protestant - Current Score: 34 - Added: 6 months, 21 days ago
| An American walks into a grocers in Dublin. He strides up to the counter to a little old man and proclaims, "in America, we grow our potatoes to this size!" and holds his hands in a large oval shape. The Irishman says, "Yeah, we grow ours to fit our mouths as well." | |
Joke by philmassive, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged american , potato , ireland - Current Score: 29 - Added: 5 months, 21 days ago
| My uncle was killed in Northern Ireland during the height of the troubles A tree fell on the truck he was driving. I reckon the I.R.A must have planted it! | |
Joke by MikeLit, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged irish , ireland , terrorist , terrorism - Current Score: 18 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
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