What's long and hard and makes women groan? An Ironing Board.

What's black and screams like fuck? Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

Middle aged wife walks into the living room naked. Husband says, "Why are you naked?" She replies "This is my love dress" Then the husband replies, "Well go and fucking iron it"

Why did God create Eve? To iron Adam's leaf.

A blonde with two burnt ears goes to the doctor, who asks what has happened. "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." "What about the other one?" "They called back."

It's 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative cock-up he ends up at heaven, stood outside the pearly gates. Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries, "What the fuck are you doing here?!" Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?" "Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You've killed millions of people. There's no way you're getting in here!" Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?" Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates. On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can fuck off for a start!" Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don't cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven." Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you're a mass-murdering madman, I'm not letting you in here." Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven." Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I can't do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!" Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!" Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I'll go and ask my dad." So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what's been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat. God says "Look son, I'm as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain't getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!" "Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!" On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He's down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his ass off. Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? FUCKING IRON CROSS? You couldn't carry a wooden cross, you soft cunt!"

Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps. After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer. Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?" "Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron." Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical engineer?" He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?" "Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder." Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?" "I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?" "Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."

Q. What do you call an Abo with a sheet of corrugated iron? A. A first home buyer.

Q. What do you call an Abo with 50 sheets of corrugated iron? A. A real estate agent.

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