What is the difference between Jam and Jelly? You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!!

I've just test driven that Skoda that is made out of cake, the one from the television advert, and it drives just like any normal car, the only problems are that the brakes are a bit spongy, the jam is always on the radio and the fucking windows keep icing up. Same as a regular skoda...

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69." She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care." They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings. She says, "Answer the door." He says, "But my face is a mess." She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich." He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich." The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

I crashed my new Skoda today - fucking disaster, there was jam and cake all over the road....

Can anyone remember all those little gollywog badges that you could collect in the 80s? I think you collected jam coupons and saved them up, and sent off for a little wog out a catalogue. Each one was doing a different job: milkman, postman, fireman, old fashioned teacher, doctor, builder etc. Personally, I didn't like them, they were cliched, crass and were unrepresentative of the black community in our area; After all, the golliwogs had jobs.

A lorry driver has been killed after a crash on the M40 which left lard spread across a motorway. Apparently he got sandwiched between two bread lorries. You should have seen the Jam Oh fuck it I need a lay down.

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?" Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some guy, ehh? Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them." "Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow."

How did Bob Marley like his sandwiches? Wi' jammin'

The 'red finger' tampon. Only £1 for twenty. No strings attached.

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