I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "no chance." Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids, so I thought, "Fuck it. I could win that!"

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man and says, "Excuse me, sir, I'm conducting a survey and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?" To which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I'm bathing the kids."

A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12 year old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mum or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"

Where do you send Jewish kids with A.D.D.? To concentration camps.

The bloke who lives next door to me is a bit pissed off, his wife has just given birth to a ginger kid, and neither he or she have ginger hair, i told him not to worry and that there must be a normal reason for this to happen. I asked him how often they have sex, to which he said "Once a year", so i said "Well there's your explanation then , you're a bit Rusty"

Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged, "Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play." "But mum" wailed the child, "There's no one to play with." "OK," said the mother wearily, "I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" "Lets play mummy and daddy. You go upstairs and lie on the bed." So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed. The boy put on his father's fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door. Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,"Now what do I do?" The boy answered, "Get your ass out of bed you whore and fix that kid some fucking ice cream!"

I entered the Young Musician of the Year last week. He didn't half scream.

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