What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country? Sexy kids.

I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare - you don't know whether to carry sweets or money.

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy.

I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "no chance." Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids, so I thought, "Fuck it. I could win that!"

After taking a car full of kids to accident and emergency with embedded glass and cuts to their foreheads.... I've decided to stop counting how many spastics it takes to change a lightbulb.

Kids have got it easy today. When I was a lad, we never heard of paedophiles, so we had to buy our own fucking sweets!

A Moe girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the assessor. "10," replies the Moe girl. "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Nah," says the Moe girl. "Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, 'WAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY' or 'WAYNE, GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Moe girl, "I just use their surnames."

A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man and says, "Excuse me, sir, I'm conducting a survey and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?" To which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I'm bathing the kids."

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?" "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

I said "Darling, let's try something new in the bedroom... I'll get some chocolate spread, some whipped cream, and a few strawberries. "Then I'll paint my cock with the chocolate spread, and call the kids in for a 'special treat'. Then, one by one, I'll pop the strawberries up my arse, squirt cream down my crack, and while Emily deepthroats me for the last of the chocolate, Jessica can my lick my arsehole and swallow strawberries as I shit them out. "Then it'll be time to pop their cherries. I'll start with Jess cos she's already 9, she'll be a bit more developed. While I'm fucking her childish vagina, Emily can lick up the blood and get her own tiny cunt ready for a good stretching. "Then I'll finish off by banging them in the arse a couple of times before squirting my load over their pretty little faces. Shall we give it a go?" My wife looked stunned. "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" she said. I said "Fuck me you're into some weird shit"

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