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| A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even." |    |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Jokes with no home > related - Tagged aussie , kiwi , even - Current Score: 225 - Added: 1 year ago
| An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?" Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?" Dog: "Doin' alright." The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face. Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi. Dog: "Yep." Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change. Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." The Kiwi gets even more shocked. Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" Horse: "Yep." Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face. Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar." | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged kiwi , aussie , horse , sheep , dog , ventriloquist - Current Score: 190 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| Zookeeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?". Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know. 3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!" | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged kiwi , black , gorilla , heat , zoo - Current Score: 178 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| A Kiwi walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says, "Bugger me, mate, that's a fancy looking thing. Where'd you get that?" The parrot replied, "Down at Centrelink mate, there's hundreds of the bastards!" | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged kiwi , parrot , bar , centrelink - Current Score: 93 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander? Ask them both "Have you ever fucked a 12-year-old?" The Kiwi will answer "Eugh, course not. That's disgusting mate". Whereas the Aussie will have a puzzled look on his face and answer: "Depends, a 12-year-old what?" | |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > Australians - Tagged australian , new zealand , kiwi , aussie - Current Score: 40 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| How to speak New Zealand Say out loud for full effect! Milburn - capital of Victoria Peck - to fill a suitcase Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects Pigs - for hanging out washing with Pump - to act as agent for prostitute Pug - large animal with a curly tail Nin tin dough - computer game Munner stroney - soup Min - male of the species Mess Kara - eye makeup McKennock - person who fixes cars Mere - Mayor Leather - foam produced from soap Lift - departed Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman Kittle crusps - potato chips Ken's - Cairns Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim Jungle Bills - Christmas carol Inner me - enemy Guess - vapour Fush - marine creatures Fitter cheney - type of pasta Ever cardeau - avocado Fear hear - blonde Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym Duffy cult - not easy Amejen - visualise Day old chuck - very young poultry Bug hut - popular recording Bun button - been bitten by insect Beard - a place to sleep Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden One Doze - well known computer program Brudge - structure spanning a stream Sex - one less than sivven Tin - one more than nine Iggs Ecktly - Precisely Earplane - large flying machine Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft Cuds - children Pits - domestic animals Cuttin - baby cat Munce - usually served on toast | |
Joke by nassi, in Religion and racism > New Zealander - Tagged kiwi , new zealand , new zealander , accent , fush & chups - Current Score: 38 - Added: 6 months, 11 days ago
| An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In South Afrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice." The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Well mate, in New Zealand we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice ay." The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi. | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged aussie , kiwi , south , african , shoot , gun , cup , sand , diamond , australian , new zealander , nz , pub , bar - Current Score: 37 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| What's an Australian kiss? The same as a French kiss but down under. | |
Joke by coasterdude184, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged french , austrasian , polynesian , aussie , kiwi , new , zealand , kiss - Current Score: 6 - Added: 2 months, 6 days ago
| There are three Kiwis in a bar. The first one walks up to an Aussie and says, "Willie Mason is gay." The Aussie says, "Yeah, that's nice mate." The second one walks up to him and says, "Willie Mason roots sheep." The Aussie replies, "Yeah bloke, whatever." At last the third one walks up to him and says, "Willie Mason is a Kiwi." The Aussie turns around and says, "Yeah, I think that's what your mates were trying to tell me." | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged kiwi , aussie , willie , mason - Current Score: 5 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the rugby? They eat all the grass. | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged kiwi , girlfriend , rugby , grass - Current Score: 4 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
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