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| A bloke walks into a pub and asks for six bottles of lager. Putting all 6 next to each other, he necks the first bottle, then the third and finally the fifth. “Excuse me,” the landlord says as the bloke turns to leave, “you've left three bottles untouched.” “I know,” the bloke says, “my doctor says it’s ok to have the odd drink.” |    |
Joke by EdgarBriggs, in Jokes with no home > Pub - Tagged bloke , landlord , doctor - Current Score: 141 - Added: 3 weeks ago
| Irish bloke walks into a pub and says... "drink of orange please landlord" The landlord asks..."still orange?" Irish fella says.. "yes , I haven't changed my mind" | |
Joke by CaesarLXV, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged irish , drink , pub , landlord - Current Score: 112 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the Tramp. The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick. To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already". | |
Joke by funkyfrog, in Illness and mortality > Tramps / homeless - Tagged sick , vomit , tramp , bum , tramps , bums , homeless , puke , hurl , toothpick , straw , meal , food , warm , eat , pub , bar , landlord - Current Score: 43 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| My pub landlord had a heart attack and collapsed last night. Three hours later we were all too pissed to call an ambulance! | |
Joke by Aspen, in Illness and mortality > Heart attack - Tagged heart attack , heart , pub , landlord - Current Score: 15 - Added: 2 months ago
| A man goes into a pub with a duck and a biscuit tin. He asks the landlord if he can show off his dancing duck to earn some beer and the landlord agrees. He puts the tin on the bar and the duck on the tin and starts playing his mouth organ. The duck starts tap dancing like fuck on the top of the tin. Word of this gets round and people are flocking in to see the dancing duck. The landlord offers big money to buy the duck off the guy, so money and duck change hands. Next time the bloke goes into the pub, the barman complains that he's been robbed because the duck won't dance. "Maybe I'm playing the wrong tune", he says. To demonstrate this, he puts the tin on the bar, the duck on the tin, plays a tune but the duck just stands there. The bloke says to him, "you daft twat, you've got to light the candles inside the tin first!" | |
Joke by geebee, in Jokes with no home > Pub - Tagged dancing duck , biscuit tin , bar , landlord , free beer - Current Score: 11 - Added: 2 months, 6 days ago
| An armless man walked into a pub which was empty except for the landlord. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the landlord if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The landlord obliged him. He then asked if the landlord would tip the glass to his lips. The landlord did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the landlord would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The landlord did it and commented, “It must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for you?” The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is the toilet?” The landlord quickly replied, “the closest one is in the petrol station, about half a mile down the road.” | |
Joke by munkybars, in Jokes with no home > Bar Jokes - Tagged armless , landlord , petrol , station , money - Current Score: 9 - Added: 2 weeks ago
| A man bought a country pub. On his first day, he went to open the doors for the lunchtime session. Waiting on the doorstep were two elderly men - obviously locals. They both touched their caps, and said, "Mornin' ", and followed the new owner inside. "Two halves of mild, please," said one of the men. "With pleasure," replied their new landlord. "Where's the snuff?" asked the other man, whilst looking on the bar. "Snuff?" responded the landlord. "The last landlord used to leave snuff on the bar - in a big red saucer - for us pensioners," the man said, "and you'll find that we're important to your business. We don't buy a lot, but we're here every lunchtime and evenin', 365 days a year!" "Well," replied the landlord, "I didn't know about this - it's my first day - but I'm happy to provide snuff for you, as the last landlord did. There'll be some on the bar this evening." When the landlord closed the pub at 3:30, he had so much to do before the evening opening at 5:30, that he forgot all about his promise. At 5:00, as he was getting ready for the evening opening, he glanced through one of the windows, and saw one of the men talking to another elderly man, obviously waiting for the doors to open. "Oh no," the landlord thought. "I forgot the snuff!" He looked in the back of the pub, and found the big, red saucer, which he placed on the bar. He then went looking in all the cupboards for a tin of snuff, but to no avail. He remembered that, in the back yard, was a small brick extension full of bric-a-brac, so he went to look in it. No luck! On his way back across the yard, he espied an old, crumbling, dried-up piece of dogshit which, when he tried to kick it against the wall, collaped into dust. A sudden idea entered his head. He went into the pub, collected the red saucer and a piece of kitchen-roll, then returned to the yard, where he picked up the remains with the piece of kitchen-roll, then finely crumbled it into the saucer. He then re-entered the pub, and again placed the red saucer on the bar. He then washed his hands, and went to open the doors. The first man entered, saw the 'snuff', and helped himself to a large portion, and sniffed. "Can you smell dog shit?" he asked the landlord. The landlord mumbled a negative response. The second man, who had been hanging up his coat, wandered over, and also used the snuff. "There's a smell of dog shit around here!" he exclaimed. The landlord again mumbled that he couldn't smell anything. Just then, a third elderly man entered. "Jack," the first man called, "Come over here." The man ambled over. "Can you smell dog shit?" the first man asked him, "Because I can," he continued, "and Bill can, but the landlord can't." Jack sniffed deeply, twice. "Can't smell a thing," he said, "But wait a minute." He then took two big pinches of snuff - one in each nostril, and sniffed again. "Ah, I can smell it now," he exclaimed. "It's good snuff - it really clears your nose!" | |
Joke by Nimrod, in Jokes with no home > Dog - Tagged snuff , dog shit , landlord - Current Score: 7 - Added: 5 months, 22 days ago
| The barman is stocking the shelves in preparation for opening time, when the landlord appears. He inspects the premises and asks the barman what the chalk marks on the billiard table are for. The barman says, "sorry guv, some of the lads were measuring their cocks on there last night, to see who had the biggest. I forgot to wipe them off, I'll do it in a sec". He then went out the back to get some bottles. The landlord looked around to see that no one was looking and got his dick out. He laid it on the side of the table and was chuffed as fuck to see his cock extend beyond the furthest chalk mark. When the barman came back, the landlord said, "oi Fred, get a look at this, I beat the bastards by a fucking mile!" "Sorry to disappoint you guv", says the barman, "but they were measuring from the other end!" | |
Joke by geebee, in Jokes with no home > Pub - Tagged biggest cock , pub , landlord , barman - Current Score: 5 - Added: 1 month, 7 days ago
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