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| There was a letter on my doormat this morning with the words "Do not Bend" on it. I thought, well how the fuck am I going to pick it up? |    |
Joke by Snitchio, in Jokes with no home > POST OFFICE - Tagged letter , bend , lol? - Current Score: 137 - Added: 3 months, 24 days ago
| A husband and wife decide that they need to use code in front of their daughter to tell each other when they want sex. They both agree that the code word is "typewriter" One day the husband says to his daughter :can you go and tell mummy that I need to type a letter" The daughter runs off to her mummy and asks her, to which the mummy replies "The typewriter has red ribbon in - so its not working" A couple of days later, the mummy tells her daughter "go and tell daddy that he can use the typewriter now" The little girl runs off and tells daddy, to which he replies "go and tell mummy that it doesn't matter now cos I done the letter by hand" | |
Joke by trenchcoat, in Sex and shit > Wanking - Tagged typewriter , wank , letter , sex , fuck - Current Score: 78 - Added: 7 months, 21 days ago
| I had a very disturbing letter from my doctor this morning that said I only had two weeks to live. Imagine my relief when I realised that the letter was intended for my 10 year old son who is also called John Smith. | |
Joke by spike, in Jokes with no home > Sick - Tagged john. smith , letter - Current Score: 67 - Added: 10 months ago
| A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter: Dear Kate, I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love Ron. P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Jokes with no home > Gloves - Tagged letter , knickers , wrapping , purchase - Current Score: 51 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| Which cruel bastard put the letter 'S' in the word lisp ? | |
Joke by pornstar, in Jokes with no home > Lisp - Tagged cruel , letter , bastard , lisp - Current Score: 42 - Added: 10 months ago
| Dib Dib, Dub Dub, Dear Mom & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent. Love, Jimmie | |
Joke by ht, in Sex and shit > Paedophilia - Tagged scout master , letter - Current Score: 37 - Added: 11 months ago
| This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper. I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool. My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependant on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of incest on his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time 'working girl' in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilising her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin. My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser? | |
Joke by Guest, in Sex and shit > Prostitution - Tagged scouser , deirdre , letter , problem , page - Current Score: 36 - Added: 1 year ago
| What's the difference between an asylum seeker and a letter? You can send a letter back to where it came from. | |
Joke by stig2112, in Jokes with no home > Whats The Difference... - Tagged asylum , letter - Current Score: 33 - Added: 2 months ago
| I woke up this morning and there was a letter on the doormat saying "Please don't bend" I thought "How the fuck am I going to pick it up then?"!!! [Lee Mack] | |
Joke by welshmadman, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged letter , post , man , house , mail , morning , early - Current Score: 16 - Added: 9 months ago
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