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| Think about it --------------------------------- I had amnesia once - or twice. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. What if there were no hypothetical questions? One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. How can there be self-help "groups"? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Is it possible to be totally partial? Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? |    |
Joke by chris732, in Jokes with no home > Random - Tagged thoughts , interesting , logical , list - Current Score: 926 - Added: 3 months ago
| Scottish insults: She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan Had more hands up her than sooty! She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe! She's got a face that could make an onion cry. I wouldn't ride her into battle. Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole Mair chins than a Chinese phone book She smells like an alkies carpet She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician It's like shaggin a pail of water. It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak! she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher Fanny like a ripped out fireplace Face like a sand blasted tomato Arse like a bag of washing She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant She's seen more helmets than Hitler Face like a stuntman's knee She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab Like opening the window and shagging the night She's seen more cockends than weekends A left her with a face like a painter's radio Fanny like a clown's pocket Fanny like a Hippo's yawn She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet More pricks than a second hand dartboard. Face like a blind joiners thumb She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo Even the tide wouldn't take her out Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard Handled more balls than Dino Zoff Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout A cunt like a burst couch A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters She's had more seamen than Saltcoats She's seen more stiffs than Quincy ! She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi! Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun | |
Joke by chris732, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged scottish , insults , fat , list , ugly - Current Score: 145 - Added: 3 months ago
| HOW AMERICAN ARE YOU? 1. You decide that your relationship with you partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving? a) Leave a tearful note on the kitchen table and slip away into the night b) Attack him with a chair leg in front of a rabble of cheering, pumped up trailer trash vermin, on national television. - 2. Where are you most likely to find your local policeman? a) Outside the police house in the village mending a puncture on his bicycle. b) On his yacht, wearing a pastel suit with the sleeves rolled up, feeding his pet crocodile. - 3. Your fourteen year old son is going through a difficult phase. He is becoming disruptive at school and a recluse at home. What do you do? a) Don't worry, it's just a phase he is going through. You were the same at his age. b) Take him to the local supermarket and buy him an arsenal of weaponry and enough ammo to kill a small town. - 4. You and your pals decide to go to the park and have a game of football. What do you bring? a) A ball and two coats (for goalposts) b) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tonnes of body armour, 20 cheer leaders, a marching souza band and a team of othopedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries. - 5. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do? a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it's alive. b) Strap it across the hood of your car and drive home hooping and a hollering, while throwing empty cans of Budweiser out the window. - 6. You wake up one morning with a sore neck. What do you do? a) Ignore it, it will probably go away. b) Take yourself to a prostitute addicted televangelist faith healer in an ill fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you, whilst screaming about devils in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds. - 7. What do you have for breakfast? a) A bowl of cornflakes, a slice of toast and a coffee. b) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with 6 eggs sunny side up, fifteen pancakes covered in a gallon of maple syrup, a dozen waffles, 5 corn dogs and a diet root beer. - 8. What kind of car do you drive? a) A small economical runabout b) A forty foot long chromium plated jukebox that does 2 miles to the gallon. - 9. You decide to get married. What kind of ceremony do you have? a) A quiet little service with a few friends. b) A minute long mockery at a 24hr drive thru chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis. -- If you answered mostly As, you're in no way American. You probably spell colour with a 'U'. If you answered mostly Bs, you're a card carrying member of Uncle Sam's brigade and you've probably got 4th of July tattooed on your ass. | |
Joke by Retard, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged american , quiz , viz , yanks , uncle sam , list - Current Score: 37 - Added: 3 months ago
| My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with. She read hers out and there were no surprises: 1. George Clooney 2. Brad Pitt etc. I thought, "I've got the better deal here," 1. Your sister. | |
Joke by albinobob123, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged george clooney , brad pitt , list , sex , wife , sister , michael mcintyre - Current Score: 7 - Added: 6 days ago
| Here is a list of songs by a band called 'Anal Cunt', they obviously have our kind of humour! _________________________________________________________________________________________ 1. "I Became a Counselor So I Could Tell Rape Victims They Asked for It" 2. "Easy E Got AIDS from Freddie Mercury" 3. "I Like Drugs and Child Abuse" 4. "Laughing While Leonard Peltier Gets Raped in Prison" 5. "I Convinced You to Beat Your Wife on a Daily Basis" 6. "I Sent Concentration Camp Footage to America's Funniest Home Videos" 7. "Rancid Sucks (And The Clash Sucked Too)" 8. "I Paid J. Howell to Rape You" 9. "I Pushed Your Wife in Front of the Subway" 10. "Extreme Noise Terror Are Afraid of Us" 11. "You Rollerblading Faggot" 12. "I Sent a Thank You Card to the Guy Who Raped You" 13. "I Lit Your Baby on Fire" 14. "Body by Auschwitz" 15. "I Intentionally Ran over Your Dog" 16. "Sweatshops Are Cool" 17. "Women: Nature's Punching Bag" 18. "I Snuck a Retard into a Sperm Bank" 19. "Your Kid Committed Suicide Because You Suck" 20. "I Ate Your Horse" 21. "Hitler Was a Sensitive Man" 22. "You Robbed a Sperm Bank Because You're a Cum Guzzling Fag" 23. "I Made Your Kid Get AIDS So You Could Watch It Die" 24. "I Fucked Your Wife" 25. "Into the Oven" 26. "I Gave NAMBLA Pictures of Your Kid" 27. "The Only Reason Men Talk to You is Because They Want to Get Laid, You Stupid Fucking Cunt" 28. "I Made Fun of You Because Your Kid Just Died" 29. "Domestic Violence Is Really, Really, Really Funny" 30. "Dictators Are Cool" 31. "Deadbeat Dads Are Cool" 32. "I'm Really Excited about the Upcoming David Buskin Concert" 33. "Being Ignorant Is Awesome" 34. "You're Pregnant, So I Kicked You in the Stomach" 35. "Chris Barnes Is a Pussy" 36. "Tim is Gay" 37. "BT/A.C." 38. "I Sold Your Dog to a Chinese Restaurant" 39. "I Got an Office Job for the Sole Purpose of Sexually Harassing Women I'm assuming that they are all on iTunes for anyone who wants a listen. | |
Joke by ididyourmom, in Jokes with no home > Anal Cunt - Tagged list , songs , abuse , anal cunt - Current Score: 3 - Added: 39 minutes ago
| Top Ten Reasons it Sucks to be A Penis 10. You've got a hole in your head. 9. Your master strangles you all the time. 8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body. 7. You shrink in cold water. 6. You never get a haircut. 5. You always hang around with 2 nuts. 4. Your closest neighbour is an asshole. 3. Your best friend is a pussy. 2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish. And the number one reason why it sucks to be a penis: 1. Every time you get excited, you throw up. | |
Joke by andyf23, in Sex and shit > Penis - Tagged penis , list - Current Score: -4 - Added: 3 months ago
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