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| A little boy came home from school and said, "Dad, is God a man or a woman?" "He is both son.....male and female," he replied. "Is he black or white?" he asked. "Again, he is both black and white," the father replied. "Well, is he gay or straight then?" asked the kid. "Again, God is both gay and straight," he said. "Dad.....is it Michael Jackson?" |    |
Joke by ht, in Celebrity and news events > Michael Jackson - Tagged michael jackson , lord , unique - Current Score: 162 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. | |
Joke by issachunt, in Religion and racism > English - Tagged god , lord , pray , bike - Current Score: 156 - Added: 9 months ago
| And Moses looked upon the Lord and said ... "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off OUR WHAT!???" | |
Joke by lovelace, in Religion and racism > Moses - Tagged jesus , cock , circumcision , lord , o - Current Score: 87 - Added: 3 months, 7 days ago
| A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Religion and racism > Nuns - Tagged sister , christ , mother superior , golf , lord , ball , putt , cursed , green , god - Current Score: 78 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" | |
Joke by mickle, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged lord , bridge , wish , women , god - Current Score: 73 - Added: 11 months ago
| Elias Howe, the inventor of the zip fastener, is to be honoured with a peerage; he's going to be known as the Lord of the Flies. | |
Joke by munkybars, in Jokes with no home > One Liners - Tagged howe , zip , fastener , lord , flies - Current Score: 28 - Added: 1 week ago
| What's white and flies through the sky? The coming of the lord. | |
Joke by dobbsy, in Religion and racism > Christianity - Tagged lord , gary dobbs , jesus , sex - Current Score: 16 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| Peter is on gate duty at heaven when twenty gypsies arrive and ask to come in. He tells them to wait while he asks God. Peter rushes into God's office and says, "excuse me, Lord, but there are twenty gypsies at the gates and they want to come in." God looks up and says, "tell them to fuck off, hell's the place for those fuckers!" Peter leaves but two minutes later he returns. "Lord, they've gone," he says. "Good," says God, "I hate gypsies". "No," says Peter, "the fucking gates." | |
Joke by tubby57, in Religion and racism > Gypsy - Tagged gypsies , god , lord , fuck , duplicate - Current Score: 14 - Added: 2 months, 9 days ago
| A priest fell over this cliff, and was hanging on with his fingertips, and he looked up and said, 'Lord, can you help me? And a voice said, 'Let go of the cliff, your body will be dashed on the rocks below, and this time tomorrow you will be sat on the right-hand side of God." And the priest said, "Is there anyone else up there who can fuckin' help me?" | |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > Catholicism - Tagged priests , god , cliff , fingertips , lord , voice , rocks , hanging , help! - Current Score: 0 - Added: 9 months ago
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