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| When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. |    |
Joke by issachunt, in Religion and racism > Chavs - Tagged god , lord , pray , bike , emo philips - Current Score: 1392 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| A little boy came home from school and said, "Dad, is God a man or a woman?" "He is both son.....male and female," he replied. "Is he black or white?" he asked. "Again, he is both black and white," the father replied. "Well, is he gay or straight then?" asked the kid. "Again, God is both gay and straight," he said. "Dad.....is it Michael Jackson?" | |
Joke by ht, in Celebrity and news events > Michael Jackson - Tagged michael jackson , lord , unique - Current Score: 191 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| And Moses looked upon the Lord and said ... "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off OUR WHAT!???" | |
Joke by lovelace, in Religion and racism > Moses - Tagged jesus , cock , circumcision , lord - Current Score: 98 - Added: 8 months ago
| A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it,"snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!" "Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!" "Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Religion and racism > Nuns - Tagged sister , christ , mother superior , golf , lord , ball , putt , cursed , green , god - Current Score: 95 - Added: 1 year, 5 months ago
| A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord said, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" | |
Joke by mickle, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged lord , bridge , wish , women , god - Current Score: 83 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| Elias Howe, the inventor of the zip fastener, is to be honoured with a peerage; he's going to be known as the Lord of the Flies. | |
Joke by munkybars, in Jokes with no home > One Liners - Tagged howe , zip , fastener , lord , flies - Current Score: 34 - Added: 5 months ago
| What's white and flies through the sky? The coming of the lord. | |
Joke by dobbsy, in Religion and racism > Christianity - Tagged lord , gary dobbs , jesus , sex - Current Score: 16 - Added: 1 year, 7 months ago
| A priest fell over this cliff, and was hanging on with his fingertips, and he looked up and said, 'Lord, can you help me? And a voice said, 'Let go of the cliff, your body will be dashed on the rocks below, and this time tomorrow you will be sat on the right-hand side of God." And the priest said, "Is there anyone else up there who can fuckin' help me?" | |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > Catholicism - Tagged priests , god , cliff , fingertips , lord , voice , rocks , hanging , help! - Current Score: 5 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| This American bloke used to love to hunt. Every winter he went out with his friends on the weekends looking for bear. One weekend, he couldn't find a friend to go with, so he went out into the woods himself. In the middle of a forest, he was taking a break when suddenly he was confronted by the largest, meanest looking bear he had ever seen. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could in a vain attempt to outrun the bear. He ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, he got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, “Dear Lord! Please give this bear some 'religion'!” The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of him, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. He seemed to have become very calm and friendly... Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky, put his paws together, bent his head and said “Thank you, Lord, for the food I'm about to receive...." | |
Joke by munkybars, in Jokes with no home > Hunting - Tagged bear , american , lord , food - Current Score: 4 - Added: 2 months ago
| 26 December 2008 Darling, just a quick thank you note for my lovely Christmas present. A partridge in a pear tree, how unusual! You are SO thoughtful. I love you to bits 27 December 2008 Darling, thank you thank you thank you! Two turtle doves, how very sweet of you! You are such a romantic! Lots of love!! 28 December 2008 Thank you for the three French hens, darling, I suppose I can use the eggs. Bye for now. 30 December 2008 Hello sweetheart, I'm sorry about not writing yesterday but to be honest I was a bit worried about all these presents you were buying and I'm still not sure what four colley birds are, but thanks ever so much for the five gold rings. Now please no more, because I don't want you to bankrupt yourself. Bye! 2 January 2009 Darling, will you please stop sending me these birds. I really don't have space in the flat for all of them. I know you mean well but it isn't really funny any more. 6 January 2009 Now look fuckwit, are you some kind of fucking sicko? I've had the police round because of the neighbours complaining about the noise and they look at me like I'm completely fucking mental when I tell them it's the nine drummers drumming and ten pipers piping my warped ex sent me every fucking day since fucking Christmas. The twelve lords have wrecked the garden by a-leaping all over the fucking plants, in the short gaps between shagging the eleven ladies dancing in the bushes, the seven swans have a-swam all over the bathroom and pecked each other to death and the six geese have laid their fucking eggs all over the fucking floor and the other fucking birds have trampled them into the fucking carpet. Does this give you some kind of kick you demented cunt? The partridge fell out of the fucking pear tree and now I've got the sodding RSPCA on my case for cruelty to partridges. Did you even check where partridges live. Your things are on the lawn. I suggest you come and get them at night when they tranquilisers have kicked in, otherwise I will pull your fucking balls out through your ears and nail them to the front door. Then fuck off out of my life forever. | |
Joke by oxbridge, in Celebrity and news events > Christmas - Tagged twelve days of christmas , partridge , turtle doves , hens , rings , birds , lord , ladies - Current Score: 1 - Added: 2 weeks ago
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