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| Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it. |    |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Jokes with no home > Not Sure - Tagged gym , keep fit , machine , crisps , chocolate - Current Score: 539 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort. | |
Joke by djralph, in Religion and racism > ? - Tagged washing , machine , comfort - Current Score: 443 - Added: 4 months ago
| One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better. | |
Joke by anglebiter, in Illness and mortality > Diagnosis - Tagged doctor , tennis elbow , bill , machine - Current Score: 87 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| What's the difference between a 6 year old Girl and a Washing Machine? A Washing Machine won't spit your load out... | |
Joke by Darklord, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged washing , machine , girl , load , oral , sex , spit - Current Score: 29 - Added: 3 months ago
| A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... and that aftershave is just wonderful!" The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You WANKER... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother!". By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order." | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Jokes with no home > Drinking Jokes - Tagged pub , man , money , ugly , bowl , machine , bar , mother , peanuts - Current Score: 24 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
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