A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man and says, "Excuse me, sir, I'm conducting a survey and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?" To which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I'm bathing the kids."

A young couple had just had great sex. When they were finished, she looked in the box of condoms, but there were only six left out of twelve, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?" His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached one of her Male friends, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?" "Yeah, once or twice," he said. "You mean you've actually wanked with a condom before?" she asked. "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."

Scientists say that masturbation significantly decreases the chances of getting testicular cancer. Yeah, like we need an excuse.

What do you do if you come across a lost little girl at the bus stop? Pull your pants up and run like fuck!

My wife has told me she's recently lost the urge to masturbate. She's just not feeling herself, lately.

90% of all men masturbate The other 10% don't have arms.

Early one morning, the Pope was having a nice shower, when he felt a certain tingle down there. Figuring that a little sin never did anyone any harm, he proceeds to have a quick wank. Just as he climaxes though, he here's a strange "click" noise. Quickly, he grabs a towel and exits the shower, and sees a paparazzo lens sticking through the bathroom window. "You there!" He shouts. "You must give me that camera!" "Are you kidding?" says the paparazzo. "I just got a photo of the Pope wanking! I'm rich" "But my child," says the pope, "You could bring down the Church if people knew! Think of the chaos, the heartache!" "Sorry pal, this pic is worth millions to me." The pope sighs. "Very well, if I give you ten million euros will you give me the camera?" The paparazzo thinks on this for a moment and agrees. So the Pope writes him a cheque, takes the camera and sends him on his way. Later, as he's sitting on his bed grumbling and trying to get the film out, a maid walks in. "Oh, your Holiness," says the maid, "that's a very nice camera. How much did it cost you?" "Ten million euros." grunts the Pope. "Ten million euros? TEN MILLION EUROS?" They must have seen you coming!"

My father used to say "this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you." Which I never understood,especially since whilst I was getting smacked, he was always masturbating....

A Chelsea fan goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, every time I masturbate I can't help shouting 'come on Chelsea'!" Doctor replies "Don't worry, a lot of wankers say that!"

Father O'Mally "God can see you when you masturbate!!" Little Paddy "Does that mean HE's a paedophile too?"

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