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| Jesus to the left of me, Moses to the right! Here I am stuck in the middle of Jews. |    |
Joke by donkeyjoker, in Religion and racism > Jews - Tagged jews , jesus , moses , stealers wheel - Current Score: 167 - Added: 2 months ago
| A Rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father about use of the family car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it." After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father about his use of the car. The rabbi said, "Son, I am very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The Rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked." | |
Joke by niggers out, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged jew , jewish , dad , son , moses , jesus , samson - Current Score: 54 - Added: 6 months, 24 days ago
| Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad." | |
Joke by chris732, in Religion and racism > God - Tagged god , golf , jesus , moses , religion , playing - Current Score: 51 - Added: 7 months ago
| Noah on the ark says to his wife. "I'm really bored, I'm going to do a bit of fishing" and wanders off. He's back half an hour later. "I'm still bored" His wife say's "I thought you were going to do a bit of fishing, why stop after half an hour?" He says "Well I only had two worms" | |
Joke by zip, in Religion and racism > Christianity - Tagged fishing , worms , chritianity , moses - Current Score: 41 - Added: 1 year ago
| Moses got off an aeroplane and George Bush came up to him and said, "hi!" Moses ignored him and walked on. When asked why he ignored the president of the USA, Moses simply replied, "Last time I spoke to a bush we starved for 40 years." | |
Joke by buncy, in Religion and racism > Moses - Tagged moses , george bush - Current Score: 34 - Added: 5 months ago
| Jesus and Moses decide to take a trip fishing in the south of England one day, and after a few hours in the boat, both are thirsty. In typical fashion, Jesus scoops out some water into a bucket and gives it the miracle treatment, making some wine for the pair. Moses, not willing to be outdone quite yet, stands up in the boat and gestures for Jesus to watch as he spreads his arms. The heavens rumble, the sky darkens and, with a flourish, the sea parts majestically. "Beat that!", says the long-bearded commandment bringer. Without a word, Jesus steps up and slips his sandals off, then jumps over the side of the boat in attempt of his famous miracle.....only to sink into the water. Scrambling to the surface and pulling himself back over the edge of the boat, he takes another attempt and the same thing happens... Clambering to the side of the boat, he looks up at Moses with a puzzled expression, shaking his head. "I don't get it, I never used to have this problem!" Moses, quick off the mark, pipes up. "Probably not, but then, you didn't have those fucking holes in your feet before, did you?" | |
Joke by Headfcuked, in Religion and racism > Jesus - Tagged jesus , moses , miracle - Current Score: 32 - Added: 8 months ago
| The police rescued a small lad from his parents who beat him constantly. He was placed with an aunt, who sadly beat him too. Then he went to a foster home, where again he was beaten. He has now been placed with the England football team who, as we know, cannot beat anyone. | |
Joke by Hintonian, in Jokes with no home > Football - Tagged jesus , moses , miracles , poor attempt at a storyline - Current Score: 25 - Added: 1 year ago
| Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the Pharoah won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He's about ready to give up. Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "You, Moses, heed Me. I have good news, and bad news." Moses is staggered. The voice continues: "You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel from bondage. If the pharoah refuses to release your bonds I will smote Egypt with a rain of frogs. "You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel to the promised land. If the pharoah blocks your way I will smote Egypt with a plague of locusts. "You, Moses, will lead the people to freedom and safety. If the pharoah's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the red sea to open your path to the promised land." Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it! - but what's the bad news?" "You, Moses, must write the environmental impact statement." | |
Joke by welsh twat, in Religion and racism > Moses - Tagged moses , egypt , locusts - Current Score: 18 - Added: 3 weeks ago
| What's the first sign of drugs in the Bible? Moses going up the mountain for the two tablets. The second sign of drugs in Bible? Mary Magadeline getting stoned. | |
Joke by seanybiker, in Religion and racism > Catholicism - Tagged drugs , stoned , moses - Current Score: 12 - Added: 1 month ago
| Jesus and Moses are up in Heaven one day, feeling a little bit bored. "I know!" says Moses. "Why don't we go down to Earth for a bit!" "Good thinking" replies Jesus. "It'll be like the old days!" So the two of them head down to Earth and start touring their old haunts. Eventually they get to the Red Sea, and Moses decides to relive one of his old tricks. "Hey Jesus!" says Moses. "Check this out!" And with that Moses walks up to the water's edge holds his hands apart and PHWOOM!- the waters part, leaving a passage across the see bed. Then he puts his hands together again, and the waters come crashing back in. "Whattaya think of that, Jesus?" "Bah!" says Jesus. "What a wasteful way of crossing water!" With that Jesus walks to the water's edge, then puts one foot on the water, then his other, then slowly starts walking across the surface of the sea. "How's this, eh Moses?" But as he gets further out from the shore, Jesus looks down and notices that he's starting to sink very, very slowly. "What the?" Moses shouts out from the shore, "Jesus! Jesus! Remember, you didn't have those holes in your feet before!" | |
Joke by RossMcG, in Religion and racism > Jesus - Tagged jesus , moses , christian , crucifixion - Current Score: 10 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
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