A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms. "Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin. "My baby!" screams the mother. "Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse. However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window. "What are you doing?!" yells the mother. "April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

Got caught wanking by mum last night... Really didn't expect her to wake up... All these years she thought she had conjunctivitis.

Petrol is way too fucking expensive these days. I actually can't afford to drive. Last time I went dogging, I had to ask my mum to give me a lift.

I was banging one out over a porno mag this morning when my mum caught me and started slapping me around the head. The newsagent wasn't happy either.

My Mum used to say "boys will be boys" I don't think she had ever been to Thailand

A lad comes home from school and asks, "Dad, what's a cunt?" His Dad slaps him and tells him not to be so rude, but the lad begs him as his mates are all taking the piss out of him for not knowing. Feeling sorry for him, the dad looks down and says, "follow me son." They walk into the bathroom where the wife is in the bath. "You see that black hairy thing in between your mothers legs, son?" "Yes, Dad," the lad replies. "Well that's a fanny, the rest of her's a cunt"

When me and my brother were young and having a fight my mum used to say, "if all this fighting doesn't stop, someone's going to get hurt!" She was right - we teamed up and kicked the shit out of her.

Have you ever wondered if your mother kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blow job? Bet you have now!!!

There are three mums - a Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says, "Oh my gosh, I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed" They comfort her and the redhead says, "Yes, well I found a fake I. D. in my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one." So they all comfort her. Then the blonde says, "That's nothing, I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis."

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