A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. "How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked: "So, what's it gonna be?" To which he replied, "Meow!"

Well, I see Gerry McCann has got off with any involvement in his daughter's disappearance. Last time he got off was when he was fucking strangling her.

It's 1945 and Adolph Hitler has just committed suicide, through some administrative cock-up he ends up at heaven, stood outside the pearly gates. Saint Peter gets back from his lunch and spies Hitler through the gates, spitting out his sandwich, he cries, "What the fuck are you doing here?!" Hitler replies "I have no idea. Are you going to let me in?" "Do me a lemon!" says Saint Peter "You've killed millions of people. There's no way you're getting in here!" Hitler looks a little disappointed and asks "Could I speak to someone in charge?" Saint Peter, not wanting to deal with Hitler any more goes off and asks Jesus to go down to the pearly gates. On arriving, Jesus spies Hitler through the gates and, shocked, shouts "You can fuck off for a start!" Hitler replies "Jesus, you have all these lost souls in Berlin you must go down and save. Take my jack boots so you don't cut your feet in those sandals and, in exchange, you can let me into heaven." Jesus ponders for a split second, then replies "No way, man, you're a mass-murdering madman, I'm not letting you in here." Hitler has a think then says "Russian front! Loads of lost souls on the Russian front. Take my coat to keep you warm and, in exchange, you can let me into Heaven." Jesus thinks, for a bit longer this time, then says "No, I can't do it. If I let you in here my dad will kill me!" Hitler has a good think, then turns back to Jesus and says "Iron Cross! You let me in here Jesus and you can have my Iron Cross!" Jesus ponders for a while then says "I tell you what, I'll go and ask my dad." So off Jesus goes to see God. He explains what's been happening down at the pearly gates and tells God about the boots and the coat. God says "Look son, I'm as fair as the next man, but Adolph Hitler ain't getting in here for a pair of boots and a coat!" "Ah," says Jesus, "...but THEN he offered me his Iron Cross!" On hearing this God bursts into a fit of hysterics. He's down on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing his ass off. Catching his breath, God says "Iron Cross? FUCKING IRON CROSS? You couldn't carry a wooden cross, you soft cunt!"

I'm going to name my kids as soon as they're born. All these kids who "have not been named" by the time they reach adulthood, always turn out to be murderers.

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