I said "Darling, let's try something new in the bedroom... I'll get some chocolate spread, some whipped cream, and a few strawberries. "Then I'll paint my cock with the chocolate spread, and call the kids in for a 'special treat'. Then, one by one, I'll pop the strawberries up my arse, squirt cream down my crack, and while Emily deepthroats me for the last of the chocolate, Jessica can my lick my arsehole and swallow strawberries as I shit them out. "Then it'll be time to pop their cherries. I'll start with Jess cos she's already 9, she'll be a bit more developed. While I'm fucking her childish vagina, Emily can lick up the blood and get her own tiny cunt ready for a good stretching. "Then I'll finish off by banging them in the arse a couple of times before squirting my load over their pretty little faces. Shall we give it a go?" My wife looked stunned. "OVER MY DEAD BODY!" she said. I said "Fuck me you're into some weird shit"

I am embarrassed - the last time I had sex with my girlfriend, I cried. To be fair, she had just died.

What's the definition of necrophilia? Cracking open a cold one!

A guy went to a brothel and asked for a whore that could take 12 inches. The madam gave him her best one, and the guy went in and started banging the hell out of her, but she started screaming that she couldn't take it. So he goes back to the madam and she gives him another whore. Same thing -- he starts banging her and she starts screaming in pain. He's pissed off now and about to leave when the madam begs him to try one more whore; she assures him this whore will be his best fuck ever. So he goes in a dark room and starts banging another chick, and everything's going great; she keeps taking it and he's loving it. Then all of a sudden, she starts foaming at the mouth. The guy gets freaked out and runs out to tell the madam, who brings over the custodian and says "Hey, Frank, the dead one's full again."

What's the difference between necrophilia and date rape? Just the body temperature......

Two men are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle." "What," the other asks. "Green?". "No," says the first. "A bit sour."

I went to a LifeSavers' convention and I got to thinking - when does CPR become necrophilia?

Whats the best thing about being a necrophiliac? You don't have to sneak out in the morning.

I just rented Die Hard. Was disappointed when I discovered it was nothing to do with necrophilia.

A plane carrying Christian missionaries crashes in the middle of the Pacific ocean. Miraculously, two priests and a nun survive and make it to a remote desert island. Stranded all alone, with no hope of rescue, the three are unable to resist temptation. However, after a few months, the woman is overcome by guilt at the sins she has committed and so she kills herself. Several months later, the two priests have a moment of clarity and realise they also cannot cope with the guilt of what they are doing. So they bury her.

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