How does every Black joke start? By looking over your shoulder!

Imagine being 85. A comfortable seat in very pleasant surroundings where you can sit surrounded by people your own age and mumbling nonsense all day. Imagine being attended by nice smiling people and genuinly thinking you are still important, whilst living very nicely at the expense of the taxpayer. Well, that's not for everyone of course. Some of us arn't fortunate enough to get a seat in the House of Lords.

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park. A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for £5. The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5. She leads him into a bush and they get under way. A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking. He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing. The man replies calmly, "I'm just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?" The officer responds, "I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise it was your wife." The man quickly replies, "That's quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I."

Just bought the wife a new bag and a belt for her birthday... Fuckin' hoover works perfectly now!

Ted was a wealthy 70-year-old. He'd been a widower for years. One day, Ted shows up at the yacht club bar with a stunning 25 year-old blonde. The woman has the body of a centerfold pin-up, and is in a very skimpy red dress. She has legs that just won't quit, and she hangs over Ted's arm full time, focused intently on every syllable he utters. Naturally, his buddies at the club are stunned. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Ted, come on; where'd you get such a trophy babe for a girlfriend?!" Ted replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" Now they're completely knocked over. They continue their questioning: "Alright, how'd you get her to marry you?! Tell us!" "Well, I sorta lied about my age," Ted admits. "Really? How old did you say you were? 50?" Ted smiles and says, "Nope! I told her I was 90!"

Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken." "Yes," says Harry, "that's inflation for you." "It's nothing to do with inflation," says grandma, "it's all them fucking security cameras they have nowadays."

Valentines Day. Flowers £30 Dinner & Film £90 Hotel Room Afterwards £200 The look on ye face when she tells you she's on her Period. Fucking Priceless.

Two old age pensioners are having a 69. After 5 minutes he says, "Sorry luv the smell's too bad down there - I can't carry on." "That'll be my arthritis," she says. "What? I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before." "No," she says, "It's in my arms and hands... I can't wipe me arse."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!" Horrified, Jenny suggested that screwing at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble! "Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!" "In with the dings, out with the dongs!" She paused to wipe away a tear, "If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Van, he'd still be alive!"

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