What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

Why did the Prophet Mohammed marry a six-year-old? Because he was a paedophile.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, sexy and flirty, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone and he was crying. I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone?" He replied, with tears in his eyes, "My mum's down there at the bottom. She fell!" "That's terrible!" I said. "And your dad?" "He's down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell too!" "That's awful!" I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff. And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him, "Son, today just isn't your day."

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles." The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog." "Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?" "Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal." "Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that." So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

Who says men can't multi-task? I can fuck my girlfriend and think about her sister at the same time.

Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night. She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds. Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your daughter isn't very sexy.

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

So, Gary Glitter likes to have sex with six-year-old girls, doesn't like having his picture in the papers, and is always insisting that everyone join his gang. Is it just me, or does anyone else think he's the reincarnation of the Prophet Mohammed?

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