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| At the shopping centre the other day, eating at the food court, an old man sat watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange and blue. The old man's stare never faltered. The teenager would look and every time he did so, he found the old man's eyes fixed on him. Eventually, the teenager had had enough and he asked sarcastically, "What's the matter with you old man - never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock" he said. "I was just wondering if you were my son." |    |
Joke by ht, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged sex , parrot , fuck - Current Score: 172 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.. Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?" | |
Joke by TeddyBear12, in Jokes with no home > Magic - Tagged magician , sink , boat , parrot - Current Score: 157 - Added: 1 year ago
| A Kiwi walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says, "bugger me, mate, that's a fancy looking thing. Where'd you get that?" The parrot replied, "down at Centrelink mate, there's hundreds of the bastards!" | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged kiwi , parrot , bar , centrelink - Current Score: 83 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot. This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude. Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music -- anything he could think of to try and set a good example... nothing worked. Exasperated, he yelled at the bird. But the bird just got louder. Then he shook the parrot. But the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming... Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said, "I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I humbly ask your forgiveness. I will now, from this day forth, endeavour to correct my behaviour so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again occurs." Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" | |
Joke by Sticky, in Jokes with no home > Animals - Tagged parrot , swearing - Current Score: 68 - Added: 10 months ago
| A man is sitting on a plane waiting to get served for drinks but he notices that the refreshments cart seems to have stopped well in front of him. He looks to the front of the plane where all of the air hostesses seem to be running around after one of the passengers who is bossing them around. When he looks closer, he notices that the passenger is a very rude parrot. "Get me a whiskey now bitch!" screamed the parrot, and she hurried off rather nervously to get it. "Get me some peanuts you whore!" he screamed to another girl, and again in fear of the horrible parrot she rushed off to get some. The man thought to himself that if he tried the same approach as the parrot then he might get served. The next time an air hostess walked past the man shouted, "Hey slag! Get me a beer!" The air hostess instantly burst into tears and ran to the front of the plane and into the cockpit. A few minutes later the co-pilot and several air hostesses walked back out of the cockpit, grabbed the man and the parrot and threw them out of the plane. As they began falling towards earth the parrot turned to the nervous looking man and said, "well, you're a cheeky fucker for someone who can't fly!" | |
Joke by superhorse, in Jokes with no home > parrot - Tagged parrot , plane , man , rude , pilot , flying - Current Score: 64 - Added: 9 months ago
| A black man goes into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman asks, "where did you get that from?" The parrot says, "Africa, there's millions of them." | |
Joke by farmer, in Religion and racism > Black - Tagged black , parrot , nigger , race - Current Score: 45 - Added: 10 months ago
| A vicar is visiting an old lady who has just moved into his parish. He discovers that she has a parrot with blue ribbons tied to both of his legs. "And what are the ribbons for?" asks the vicar. "Well," says the old lady, "if I pull the left ribbon he sings 'Abide With Me'. If I pull the right ribbon he sings 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'." "Remarkable!" says the vicar, naturally impressed by the religious bird. He continues, "What happens if you pull both ribbons at the same time?" The parrot butts in, "I fall off the fucking perch!" | |
Joke by cooperman, in Religion and racism > Priest - Tagged parrot , priest , swearing , religion - Current Score: 44 - Added: 9 months ago
| A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately." "WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ." "WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!" | |
Joke by NUFC, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged parrot , postman - Current Score: 35 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquires. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responds. The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!" | |
Joke by niggers out, in Sex and shit > Prostitution - Tagged priest , parrot , prostitutes , vicar , sex - Current Score: 25 - Added: 10 months ago
| At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating rotten meat." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!" "Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver." THERE WAS A LONG SILENCE.................... "Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!" | |
Joke by NUFC, in Illness and mortality > Dead - Tagged death , funeral , fire , parrot , horse - Current Score: 15 - Added: 10 months ago
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