Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"

Why do Liverpool goalkeepers never catch the ball? It's Scouse tradition never to touch something for long enough to leave fingerprints.

What's the difference between Jade Goody and Paul Newman? About 200 days!

I laid her on the grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I undid her suspender belt And her leg fell in the river. A short poem by Paul McCartney

McCartney's Wealth - £775.7m Heather Mills Settlement - £24.3m Walking - Priceless

I heard some bloke went mad after being at one of Paul McKenna's show. Having recently paid £40 to see one myself, I was fucking furious afterwards.

Who sits in a nursery and plays with crayons? Gazza!!!!!

Escort for sale. Some body damage. £24 million o.n.o. Contact Paul McCartney

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