A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. I'll give £500 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus can't play." A guy walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and plays it like Jimmy Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet like Dizzy Gillespie. A third guy walks up with a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles with it, and then sets it down, looking confused. The guy says "Ha! you can't play it." The octopus says, "play it? As soon as I get its pyjamas off, I'm gonna shag it."

A man has a swishy cocktail bar and looking to hire a pianist. He gets a bloke in who's got tourettes, but he can play, Classics, Blues, Jazz, "and I fucking write my own cunting stuff as well", he says. He plays this really haunting gentle piece. "What do you call that?" "The smell of my wife's cunt, here's another fucker" And it's another great piece of music, "That was: my cock's up your arse, now wriggle bitch" And so on. He was the best so good that reluctantly he takes him on, but on condition he doesn't speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and trade is up. One night he can see a girl facing him, short skirt and no knickers, and after a half hour of looking up seeing that he gets so horny he takes a break to have a wank. He takes a while, no music. The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door, says, "Get out there and play now or you don't get paid for tonight." So he rushes it, goes back and starts playing. One of the waiters sees he hasn't zipped up and rushes over. "Hey do you know your flys are undone, your cock's hanging out and there's comestains all down your leg?" "Know it? I wrote that fucker".

After Russell Brand resigning and Jonathan Ross' show getting postponed we mustn't forget who the real victims are in all of this. Four Poofs & A Piano

When I was a kid, on Christmas morning my parents used to get the whole family around the piano and my father would stand up with a can of lager and say, "it's a pity no fucker can play it."

Hats off for Elton John: fantastic on the piano; however, he sucked on the organ.

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?" Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some guy, ehh? Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them." "Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow."

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A Flat Minor

Did you see Lang Lang, the Chinese guy who played piano at the opening ceremony at the Olympics? I wonder if as a kid the first song he learned to play on piano was 'knifes and forks'?

What do women and pianos have in common? If they're not upright they're grand!

Custurd spent 0.03ms doing 11 queries and 0.09s processing. She's 2.42% angry.
Sickipedia v2.7 - a cr3ative media® project. © '05-09 Rob Manuel