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| I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once........ None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves |    |
Joke by Guest, in Illness and mortality > Incontinence - Tagged old people , piss - Current Score: 296 - Added: 1 year ago
| During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners questions the students, one by one. "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go piss." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper." | |
Joke by tanz_kid, in Sex and shit > Penis - Tagged teacher , john , bathroom , piss , dick , cock , manners , darling , peter , jahi - Current Score: 203 - Added: 5 months, 15 days ago
| My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath. I suppose I should wait until she gets out. | |
Joke by bawbag, in Jokes with no home > Piss - Tagged piss , bath - Current Score: 203 - Added: 1 week ago
| I was walking along the beach when I saw a small boy lying on the sand who had been stung by a jelly fish. I remembered that if you're stung by one you should to piss on it, so I whipped my dick out and started pissing on him. His parents weren't too pleased though, apparently it doesn't work when they're dead. | |
Joke by The Wolf, in Jokes with no home > Jimmy Carr - Tagged jelly , fish , boy , piss , jimmy carr - Current Score: 170 - Added: 5 months, 27 days ago
| During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!" | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Jokes with no home > Gambling - Tagged gambler , eye , teeth , piss , drunk - Current Score: 152 - Added: 11 months ago
| Little Suzie is sitting in class when the teacher notices a puddle beneath her chair. "Ah Suzie, why didn't you put your hand up?" asks the teacher. "I did Miss, but it ran through my fucking fingers." | |
Joke by Guest, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged hand , fingers , piss , teachers , puddle chair - Current Score: 146 - Added: 6 months ago
| I thought I was getting Alzheimer's until I found out that every time I fell asleep my wife was moving the bookmark forward 20 pages. Still I got her back by making her think she's incontinent. Every time she falls asleep I piss on her lap. | |
Joke by marley, in Illness and mortality > Alzheimers - Tagged alzheimers , book , wife , husband , piss , incontinent - Current Score: 136 - Added: 5 months, 20 days ago
| Treat life's problems like your dog would. If you can't eat it or fuck it, just piss on it and walk away. | |
Joke by rampant, in Religion and racism > ? - Tagged annimal , dog , piss , fuck - Current Score: 131 - Added: 10 months ago
| A few years ago, Roy Chubby Brown was giving a stand up comedy performance at a dinner, and about 10 minutes into the set a guy got up and started walking towards the toilets. " Fucking hell," says Chubbs to the crowd " Where is this stupid cunt going?" The guy looked up at the fat cunt and said, " I'm just nipping for a quick piss before the comedian comes on." | |
Joke by bizlop, in Celebrity and news events > Bernard Manning - Tagged chubby , comedian , roy chubby brown , piss , heckle , heckler , stupid cunt - Current Score: 116 - Added: 4 months ago
| A copper in London pulled over a driver who'd been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser." The man reached into his pocket and produced a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath." The officer said, "OK then; I need you to come and give a blood sample." The man produced another letter. This one read: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way." So the officer said, "Right, I need a urine sample then." The man produced a third letter from his pocket. It read, "This man is an American. Please don't take the piss out of him." | |
Joke by the phantom phucker, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged driver , police , drunk , asthma , blood , sample , urine , football , derby county , piss - Current Score: 103 - Added: 11 months ago
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