I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are into.

A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man and says, "Excuse me, sir, I'm conducting a survey and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?" To which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I'm bathing the kids."

Actors are often advised never to work with children or animals. Especially in the porn industry.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while i porn surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, " give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.

Whoever said men can't multi-task? I mean, have you never seen a guy watch porn?

I saw a sign in a public toilet yesterday. It said "Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would like to have found it in". So I left a porno mag and a line of coke.

It's really embarrassing when you see your parents nude. Especially when you're watching the porn channel with your mates.

Apparently zoo's are showing porn to endangered species of Panda to encourage them to have sex and reproduce. This strikes me as bollocks. If a male panda watches a porno, all he'll want to do is get sucked off, fuck Mrs Panda up the back alley and shoot all over her face. That's really going to get them pregnant isn't it.

It's amazing the service that we, the taxpayer, get from the Police these days. A couple of months ago, some Police officers kicked my front door in and took my broken computer away. I wasn't quite sure what was going on but they returned it two months later and it was working fine again. They even paid for a new front door and gave me a grand for my trouble. Brilliant service! But the best bit is, I've put my old hard drive back in it and can now watch all my favourite kiddie porn again. Thanks guys. Top job.

Watching a mucky movie the other day it occurred to me that a lot of female porn stars have tan lines Considering their job, and that they're happy to be violently taken up the arse by a bloke who has a table leg for a penis and have said bloke empty his bollocks all over their face/tits/whatever for world consumption and one handed viewing, I find it rather rich that they are too coy to get their tits out on the beach

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