A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

My Dad came in to my room one night and said to me "Son, Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present." I said to him "For fucks sake dad you mean you haven't got me anything for my birthday again."

What's the chav next door getting for Christmas? An Argos voucher.

I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas. It's such a joy to watch their faces light up!

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present.

Did you hear about the cheesegrater Stevie Wonder's wife got him for his birthday? The most violent book he's ever read.

My parents hated me as a child. One Christmas I opened my present to find an empty shoe box. They told me it was an action man deserter.

I tried to get something special for my wife for her birthday this year. But the lady at the council said they don't sell mongs to the public.

It is around christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santa's lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for christmas". "I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds "Nope". So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E"; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said "Nope". Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. Where to the little boy responds "Nope". Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"? The little boy then looked at santa and said "I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't get me any because I can smell it on the end of your finger!"

It was my wife's birthday and I hadn't got her anything. So when I got home from work I said: "Happy birthday, Darling. For your present, you can have 60 minutes of the best Sex you've ever had any way you like it" She kissed me and told me she loved me and that was the best present ever. As she raced for the door she grabbed her coat and shouted: "I'LL BE BACK IN AN HOUR."

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