Why is the bible like a penis? You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles." The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog." "Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?" "Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal." "Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that." So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park. The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says: "I tell you what; lets go and screw those boys" The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered: "Out of what?"

One evening a priest was sitting on a pew at the front of his church, quietly praying to the Lord. A hot blonde suddenly came in and the priest asked her, "what can I do for you, my child?" The blonde immediately jumped on him and said, "I want you now! Take me!" "I beg your pardon?" the priest exclaimed. "Fuck me now," she said, "fuck me hard up the ass!" The priest by now was sweating and trembling at the sight of the blonde lifting up her blouse revealing a pair of huge tits. "But, my child, you are in the house of the Lord!" the priest desperately replied. "I don't care, take this horny virgin now you sexy son of a bitch!" the blonde exclaimed finally. The priest, now shaking, sweating terribly and feeling himself go hard, turned towards the front of the church and, looking up to the Lord, he cried "Jesus Christ, help me - what should I do?" "DON'T JUST STAND THERE YOU STUPID IDIOT, GET ME OFF THIS FUCKING CROSS!" he replied.

I was raised a Catholic, and the most annoying thing about going to church was all the standing up, sitting down, and kneeling. I wish the priest could've just picked a position and fucked me!

A priest, a paedophile and a homosexual walk into a bar... He orders a drink.

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available. The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep. Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold." "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard." Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket." Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night." "You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

How did the Priest find the little boy in the forest? Very nice indeed.

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 13 or so.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that in here," the priest says.

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