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| A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything!" His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?" "No, I never found the head." |    |
Joke by caliban, in Sex and shit > Necrophilia - Tagged sex , dead , railway , pub , friend , positions , position , blow job , suck , head - Current Score: 1714 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking any more tonight Paddy." Paddy replies, "Ok Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shit!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way", but he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick phoned... You left your wheelchair at the pub!" | |
Joke by Hercules Poirot, in Jokes with no home > Pub - Tagged pub , drunk , wheelchair - Current Score: 561 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any fucking bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar, you irritating bastard bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" | |
Joke by kitkat456, in Jokes with no home > Animals - Tagged duck , bread , pub , bar , animal , nail - Current Score: 209 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| A priest, a paedophile and a homosexual walk into a bar... He orders a drink. | |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > Catholicism - Tagged pub , priest - Current Score: 200 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| I got thrown out of the Pub last Saturday. Bukkake... karaoke... Its all Japanese to me. | |
Joke by baldlice, in Sex and shit > Bukkake - Tagged bukkake , karaoke , japanese , pub - Current Score: 186 - Added: 1 month, 14 days ago
| I got into an argument with this thug in the pub. Anyway, I backed away, but as I was leaving he shouted, "I know where you live." I was really worried for a while, but it turned out he works for Royal Mail Parcelforce, so his threat almost certainly isn't true. | |
Joke by bizlop, in Jokes with no home > POST OFFICE - Tagged royal mail , house , threat , parcelforce , fight , pub , thug , viz , viz letters - Current Score: 167 - Added: 2 months, 18 days ago
| My wife got me to tie her to the bed last night. When I did, she said that I could do anything I wanted. So I had a shave and fucked off down the pub. | |
Joke by ghost, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged pub , wife , shag , fuck , tie , bed , pint , lovely stuff - Current Score: 167 - Added: 3 months, 8 days ago
| A middle aged man and his wife live in a poor part of town and decide to rent out their second bedroom. They advertise and a beautiful young girl enquires about the room. The wife explains that because it is such an old terraced house there is no bath in the house so instead they use a big zinc bath in front of the fire in the living room. The young girl says, "It would be nice to have a bath in front of the open fire at night, but what about your husband? The wife replies, If you have a bath on a Monday or a Friday evening it will be fine because he always goes out to play darts from about 7 O'clock till after 11pm. "OK",the girl says. The next night is a Monday so the husband goes out and the wife brings in the zinc bath for the young lady and puts it in front of the fire. When she undresses ready to get in the bath she notices the wife staring at her naked body. The wife thinks to herself that its strange that the girl has no pubic hairs Later that night when the wife goes to bed she tells her husband about the young lady having no pubic hair. "It must look very strange and unnatural, are you sure?" says the husband. "I could leave the leave the curtains open just a little bit at the top so that you could peep through and see for your self next time she has a bath", says the wife. So the following Friday they get the bath out and the husband goes out to his darts match. The young lady gets undressed and the wife says " where's your pubes love?", and the girl says "pubes? I've never grown any", so wife pulls her knickers down and says "here, this is what you should have" and reveals a big bushy fanny with clock springs hanging out. Later that night in bed she is talking to her husband, who seems pissed off, and he says to his wife "She was lovely, but Why on earth did you lift your skirt up and show your minge?", and she says "you must have seen me a thousand times naked, why are you bothered?" and the bloke says- "I have, but the rest of the fucking darts team haven't". | |
Joke by pornstar, in Sex and shit > Pubes - Tagged darts , team , pubes , girl , pub , zinc , bath , nickers , clock , springs , fire - Current Score: 142 - Added: 10 months ago
| A man walks into a pub with his monkey. He orders a pint and sits down to drink it. While he`s sitting at the bar, his monkey is out of control. It jumps up on the pool table and eats the cue ball. The landlord runs up to the man and says, "Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?" "No, what did the stupid fucker do this time?" says the man. "He just ate the cue ball!" shouts the landlord. "I hope it kills the stupid bastard," says the man. About two weeks later the man comes back to the pub with his monkey. While he`s drinking at the bar his monkey is again out of control. The monkey finds a grape at the bar picks it up, sticks it up his arse and then pulls it out and eats it. The landlord having seen this asks the man, "Did you see what your sick monkey just did?" "No," says the man. "He just stuck a grape up his arse and ate it," the landlord tells him. "Well, what do you expect?" asks the man. "Since that pool ball he measures everything first!" | |
Joke by sick puppy, in Jokes with no home > Animals - Tagged monkey , pool ball , pub , grape , arse , bar - Current Score: 141 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before." "Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good." I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. "How do you feel now," she purred. "Okay," I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!" Unbelievably I heard myself saying, "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, cipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds until full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..." "Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!! She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a cunt?" "I certainly have," I answered, "I missed the kick!". | |
Joke by Paulie xixi, in Sex and shit > Clitoris - Tagged cunt , slut , pub , union - Current Score: 129 - Added: 4 weeks ago
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