Sorted by: Highest Scoring | Lowest Scoring | Newest | Oldest
Page 1 of 4 - Next Page
| To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day. 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian; though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are actually called crisps. Real chips are thickly cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. 11. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. This quantity is to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all; it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. The substances formerly known as American beer will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,' with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak, Near-Frozen Knat's Urine.' This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 13. From November 10th, the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK; it's been driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day. John Cleese |    |
Joke by Guest, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged john , cleese , john cleese , america , american , americas , usa , united states , united states of america , racism , queen , jfk - Current Score: 287 - Added: 9 months ago
| Prince Phillip and the Queen were dining in one of London's top restaurants. The waiter comes over and asks what Phillip would like to order. "I'll have two rare steaks my good fellow." Waiter, "Does sir mean two bloody steaks?" Phillip, "Yes quite right old chap, two bloody steaks." Queen, "And plenty of fucking chips!" | |
Joke by ben dover, in Jokes with no home > The Queen - Tagged queen , prince philip , steaks , chips , restaurant , london - Current Score: 200 - Added: 1 month ago
| Royal Wedding Night Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!" | |
Joke by Sticky, in Celebrity and news events > Camilla - Tagged camilla , anal , virgin , prince charles , queen , sex - Current Score: 191 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| Apparently, the Queen has reconciled her differences with Camilla Parker Bowles. She has even offered Camilla an all expenses paid trip to Paris with a car and chauffeur. | |
Joke by BruceWillis, in Celebrity and news events > Camilla - Tagged queen , camilla , paris - Current Score: 174 - Added: 4 months ago
| I shagged the Queen once. She's so posh. She didn't come - she arrived. | |
Joke by bleary, in Celebrity and news events > Queen - Tagged orgasm , queen , regisexual , copyright some american comedian whose name i cant remember - Current Score: 160 - Added: 4 months ago
| Anyone else wonder if the Queen ever props her quilt cover up to her neck whilst in bed and says "Look Philip, I'm a stamp!"? | |
Joke by dandan, in Celebrity and news events > Queen - Tagged queen , philip , quilt , stamp mock the week , russell howard - Current Score: 82 - Added: 1 month, 29 days ago
| Two gays are having sex in an alleyway when they see a policeman walking towards them, they both panic and run like hell, trying to find somewhere to hide. The policeman sprints after them and manages to catch one, whom he beats to shit. When he is satisfied, the policeman stops pummeling the queer and pins him against the wall and shouts: "Where's your fucking boyfriend?! If I find him I'm gonna shove this truncheon right up his arse!" A voice from the darkness whispers: "I'm in the bin!" | |
Joke by Mattylocke, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged gay , queer , queen , police , alley - Current Score: 76 - Added: 10 months ago
| So, it was the Queen and Prince Phillip's 60th wedding anniversary not so long ago. Imagine that, a German woman married to a Greek for 60 years. She must have an arse like a broken catflap. | |
Joke by ghost, in Celebrity and news events > Queen - Tagged queen , phillip , anniversary , arse , sex , catflap , greek , german , frankie boyle - Current Score: 43 - Added: 4 months, 28 days ago
| One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?" Kyle answered, "Dad, we had extra classes today". Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face. His dad told him, "Son this robot is special in that it can detect a Lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?" "Dad, I went to a movie" "Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments" Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot. "Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen". "Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved" Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot. Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, "After all he is YOUR son!!!" To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face! | |
Joke by niggers out, in Illness and mortality > Lie Detector - Tagged lie , detector , mother , father , son , robot , sex , queen - Current Score: 35 - Added: 8 months ago
| A young geordie lad wins a competition at school & the prize is to meet the queen. He runs home to tell his dad the good news & they make arrangements to go to meet her. On arrival they walk up to the gates & see a sign telling them that the queen will meet people at 11am or 2pm so they decide to go to the 11am one so they can have a bit time in London. The young geordie lad is standing in line along with all the other children proud as punch wearing his beloved toon army top, just before the queen comes out he looks along the line & sees a young mackem lad standing with his Sunderland top on, the queen comes out & goes straight up to the young mackem lad bends over & says something to him, she completely ignores the young geordie lad. He's absolutley gutted crying his eyes out he runs to his dad & tells him what happened. The dad says to his son don't worry son I've got an idea you mightn't like it but a think it'll work, we'll go & buy a Sunderland top you can put it on & we'll come back at 2pm. After much delibiration the young geordie lad decides to swallow his pride & do what his dad says. 2pm arrives & the young geordie lad is standing in line proud as punch wearing the Sunderland top,the queen comes out bang on 2pm goes straight up to the young geordie lad, bends over & whispers in his ear "I thought I told you to Fuck off". | |
Joke by Guest, in Celebrity and news events > Football - Tagged sunderland , queen - Current Score: 35 - Added: 11 months ago
Page 1 of 4 - Next Page
Custurd spent 0.16ms doing 12 queries and 0.09s processing. She's 0.86% angry.
Sickipedia v2.7 - a cr3ative media® project. © '05-09 Rob Manuel