I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "no chance." Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids, so I thought, "Fuck it. I could win that!"

After complaints that there aren't enough black people on British television, the BBC have vowed to solve the problem. They are now going to show Crimewatch 7 nights a week.

I bought a race horse and decided to call it "MY FACE". Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys. "There's just one problem," she says. "Because they were all born at the same time, we got the tags mixed up and we don't know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies. Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definitely my baby," he says confidently. "Um, excuse me," says the West Indian, "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son." The Englishman pulls him aside and says, "I see where you're coming from, mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk."

My mate really suffers badly from premature ejaculation He entered a wanking race last week and finished first and second.

A black man goes into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman asks, "Where did you get that from?" The parrot says, "Africa, there's millions of them."

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"

White Men Can't Jump. But at least they can take penalties.

There was a competition between three women to see who could breaststroke across the English channel quickest. One was a brunette, one was a redhead and the other was a blonde. After 14 hours, the brunette crawled up on the shore and was declared the fastest female breaststroker. About an hour later, the redhead appeared and was awarded 2nd place. A good 4 hours later the blonde, completely exhausted, flopped up onto the shore. Her manager asked her 'What took you so long, we were beginning to worry!' The blonde replies 'I don't want to seem like a sore loser, but I could swear those other girls were using their arms!'

A pupil stabbed his PE teacher after a row over his refusal to take part in cross country. He has been arrested for a race hate crime.

Custurd spent 0.93ms doing 12 queries and 0.09s processing. She's 1.75% angry.
Sickipedia v2.7 - a cr3ative media® project. © '05-09 Rob Manuel