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| A husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT?" The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman." The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth £200 each. Then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don't even play tennis but, okay, if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down, she's so excited - she cannot believe what is going on. She says, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while" Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man." |    |
Joke by ht, in Jokes with no home > Advice - Tagged marriage , needs , revenge , husband , wife - Current Score: 170 - Added: 11 months ago
| Long but worth while When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a Cunt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Cunt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a Cunt!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said," Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a Cunt!" One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first Cunt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover Cunt, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a Cunt!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called Cunt #1. "Hello?" "You're a Cunt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Steve Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Cunt," and hung up. Then I called Cunt #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, Cunt," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll do what?" I said. "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed. "Well, Cunt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street , Ilford. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street . I got there just in time to watch two Cunts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew. Now I feel MUCH better. | |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Jokes with no home > revenge - Tagged cunts , revenge , bad day , land rover - Current Score: 131 - Added: 7 months, 20 days ago
| When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. | |
Joke by AS, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged woman , wife , as , sex , marraige , revenge - Current Score: 68 - Added: 2 months, 23 days ago
| A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?!? The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire. | |
Joke by Thizzle, in Sex and shit > Penis - Tagged cock , revenge , fire - Current Score: 56 - Added: 4 months, 17 days ago
| When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. | |
Joke by CPC, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged revenge , wife , lol - Current Score: 45 - Added: 4 months, 19 days ago
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