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| Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing family. Englishman says, "My son was born on St.George's Day so I called him George!" "What a coincidence!" says the Scotsman, "My son was born on St.Andrews Day so I called him Andrew!" "Jaysus!" says the Irishman, "That's fucking amazing!, wait 'til I go home and tell our Pancake!!! |    |
Joke by bobbydgg, in Jokes with no home > family - Tagged english , irish , scots - Current Score: 255 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| A Scouser rings the local newspaper to place an obituary after the death of his wife. Sadly he only had one pound, which would have only given him three words. He said, "can you write 'Sharon is dead'?" The guy at the newspaper felt really sorry for him and said, "listen, mate, you can have another four more words at no extra charge." The Scouser said, "nice one, can you write 'Sharon is dead, Ford Fiesta for Sale'?" | |
Joke by the phantom phucker, in Religion and racism > Scottish - Tagged dougal , scots , death , tight bastards - Current Score: 207 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction "85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied. "85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" "It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?" | |
Joke by Mongfoot, in Religion and racism > Scottish - Tagged scots , tight bastard , dentists - Current Score: 176 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| A recent study conducted by Glasgow University found that the average Scotsman walks about 900 miles a year. Another study by the Scottish Medical Association found that Scotsmen drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means, on average, Scotsmen get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud to be Scottish! | |
Joke by luckoftheirish, in Religion and racism > Scottish - Tagged scots , alcohol , scotland , booze - Current Score: 141 - Added: 1 month, 11 days ago
| The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman? | |
Joke by itchyanus, in Religion and racism > Scottish - Tagged scots , weird sex cases , stephen brown - Current Score: 90 - Added: 3 months, 11 days ago
| A Scottish girl and an Irish guy head home together from a club and start getting down to it. It becomes obvious neither of them are very satisfied by the way it's going. The Scottish girl complains: "I thought Irish people were supposed to be thick." The Irish guy replies: "Well, I thought Scottish people were supposed to be tight." | |
Joke by Guest, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged scots , irish , sex - Current Score: 40 - Added: 1 year, 3 months ago
| A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the bill. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did. The next morning's newspaper carried the news item: "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN ALLEY." | |
Joke by eatmeat, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged scots , mean , ventriloquist - Current Score: 30 - Added: 1 year, 4 months ago
| Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night." Archie nods approvingly. "Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock. "A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?" "Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white." | |
Joke by stopher, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged scots , jock , wedding , white - Current Score: 18 - Added: 1 year ago
| A Scotsman gets a taxi to take him and his girlfriend home. She's so beautiful...... He can barely keep his eyes on the meter!! | |
Joke by cooperman, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged scots , jock , taxi - Current Score: 17 - Added: 1 year ago
| A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Scotsman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, shite!" | |
Joke by Ciabi, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged irish , scots , english , englishman , irishman , scotsman , scottish , jump , wizzard , pillows , pillow , hay , shit , shite , stupid , magic - Current Score: 10 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
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